Of course in a perfect world our children would meet the love of their life at a young age, in which both families would be so happy to see them grow as friends and mature into a loving and godly relationship nurtured under the covering of two healthy and spiritual families and then be married by their childhood Pastor.
However this is more than likely NOT to happen for many of our children, most due in part to the fact that many of us are from broken families. Also this incredibly destructive society we live in has been vying for our children's heart, desires and attentions long before they even are old enough to reach mature dating age. Not to mention the fact that relationships among young adults and dare I say the word DATING has become a taboo among the Christian culture.I have encouraged my four not to have a serious relationship with the opposite sex until they were out of high school or at least mature enough to make good choices with that decision. I explained how the drama alone of emotional break ups and expectations would be draining on them. I told them it would be more beneficial that they focus on building good friendships, that being a good friend is the first step in being in a committed relationship and also that at their young age they shouldn't be doing anything with a girl or in Bethany's case a boy that they would not do with a friend anyways. For the most part they have respected this. Only now older than eighteen have my boys really started to date and approach relationships. This has thrown us into many conversations. And I have discovered some not so healthy messages.
1) Bachelor to the Rapture. Wrong. This message sends the worst kind of thoughts to young men and women. It may seem spiritual to some, but it is not. God did not want Adam to be alone. A great principle over looked in this statement is that a man or woman should leave their father and mother and cleave to their intended spouse. Also God encourages Christians to grow Christian families. These words may have been someone's personal conviction, but it is not biblical and should not be blanketed over our young men.
2) Kiss Dating Goodbye. This is in my opinion one of the most legalistic and misleading ideas. I think it might be appropriate if we were in a day and age where parents chose the partners for their children. I really do not believe that our culture would support that. This theory puts way too much pressure on young people. I believe it has set a wall up against forming relationships all together. Young Christians have in their minds that to even get close to someone of the opposite sex they have to KNOW that yes this would be the one that God wants them to marry. Hmm. But how could they possibly know that if they do not spend enough real time with the person to actually know the person. And how long does it take for us to hear from God, not because He is necessarily not speaking but because we do not allow Him to speak by putting up our notions or misconcieved ideals as barriers to His words or truths.
3) Then there is the matter of God's will. I am reminded of the story about a man that was caught in a flood and prayed for God to rescue him. Some people came by in a huge truck, he sent them away, then a boat, then a helicopter, then the waters rose and he drowned. In heaven God said I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter, what were you waiting for? We pray for something and often the answer is already right in front of us. I propose we make it too hard.
4) We are so fearful of our young adults engaging in sexual intimacy, we forget to teach them about the other aspects or relational intimacy. How to genuinely share ones heart and life with someone. How to stimulate great conversation, the art of being someones greatest confidant, the beauty of connecting with someone's soul. Handicapped relationships and the forfeit of community in our culture has now plagued our churches. We must live against this current.
5) The enemy. I believe his signature is all over the previous four. Because the enemy does not want to see healthy Christian families and marriages and new loving couples influencing our society. Our adversary has set a target and all out war on godly marriages correct? We can see the devastation in our churches. We are missing his other more subtle tactic; preventing these godly unions from happening in the first place and then wage war on our young men and women thoughts and purity. Confusion. The more our society gets in the toilet morally I propose our young adults also are attacked with this anti-dating, socially awkward, breading unhealthy views of what should be a natural and healthy institute in the first place.
Confession. I am telling my boys to get out there and date. Yes I did. Does that sound bold? It shouldn't. I want them to get to know young women. I want them to have the experiences and practices of healthy dating. I want them forming relationships that may grow into more and then pray through what that more will be. I want them to learn about themselves in the process. What there likes and dislikes are. How to be gentlemen and chivalrous. I want them to learn how to pursuit a young woman's heart, because after all women do want to be pursued.
I propose that young men not learning these lessons may not make very romantic husbands that will work hard to keep their wives affections. Wives want to continue to be pursued for the length of the relationship. I pray that my boys learn this key to keeping a relationship alive and healthy.
As for my girl. She made a very wise and startling assessment one day. She said if I want to get married, I will have find a culture of Christians that date. She looked around at her environment and surmised it is not happening enough here. It was true and sad.
What is the hindrance. We have a large, beautiful, spiritually cultivated body of young adult believers and yet their are very few marrying. Something needs to change. If it is wrong messages we need to dispel them, if it is fear we need to pray for a release from it, if it is education let us educate them.
More to come on this topic, teaching boys and girls what healthy dating should look like. Also the message of "What answer to prayer is already knocking at your door?" A word God gave me and Lionel from the book of Acts I believe to be a great eye opener in hearing the will of God.
Blessings!
5 comments:
hmmmmm.......What about the fact that marriage isn't necessarily for our "happiness" but that we are to serve one another in love for God. We are to leave and cleave and the prize in that is that we love but we don't love out of our own selfish desires but out of our own desire to serve. I love John because I am serving God, not because of what John does for me or that this world has told to do. And what about the fact that dating is just a stepping stone for divorce? I'm not saying I disagree but I just have these preconceived notions about dating and marriage. I guess I'll look forward to hearing more and see if God has a work to do in me in raising my daughters. I love the fact that blogging can give us a venue to write our deepest convictions down and yet teach others in the process. Thank you!
Push those thoughts to the boundaries, your girls will be pursued, my boys will be doing the pursuing.:)
There is a healthy and Godly balance as to what that looks like and great friendships and relationship practicing should occur in the process. I believe that is more self-less then selfish. Though I do believe for the most part our society makes relationship about the getting rather than the giving. Which is why we need to teach healthy Christian messages.
As the husband of this amazing Blogger I must comment on this. We have been married for 21 years as of March 25th. We still date on a regular basis. When i was a youth pastor the kids wold want to do something and I wold say "nope, Kristen and I are going on a date" They would laugh and say "your married...why do you need to date?" my answer is to remain married.
The best advice I received in college was to DATE YOUR WIFE. I think it is easy to settle in and think because I am married I don't need to keep pursuing my wife.
Our kids see us date all the time. Hopefully this is an example to them of it's importance. They need to date and do it with wisdom. They need to have good godly fun. The person they marry is the person they are CHOOSING to live the rest of their lives with. They better take that seriously and spend some time with them before they make that decision. Darn...instead of commenting I wrote a mini blog. Lionel
Kristen-- thanks for being bold and honest. It is definitely something we need to look at and remedy in our culture.
This is GREAT! One day - I will be able to apply this to my children! Well written and well thought out! Thank you Lord for giving Kristen wisdom beyond her years!
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