BEAUTIFUL! Searching for happlity ever after...

2. Michael

Michael loved warm and sunny Oregon afternoons though few as they were. Today was a perfect day and as he made his way home from school he was excited about Graduation, finally the day had arrived. He could hardly wait to see the look on his mother’s face as he crossed the stage and received his diploma. It seemed this day would never come and they had both been through so much to get here, it was as much her graduation day as Michaels.

Michael thought about the past five years. The boy he was when he began his freshman year, excited and naive as to the hard work ahead. All he thought about was the fun he would have, the fraternity he‘d join, the girls, the parties. His mother didn’t realize the true reason for his excitement, though his father had understood.

The Keller’s were a devout Christian family. Michael was raised in the church and had been baptized as a teenager. His mother prayed and prayed for that day and well, caught up in the moment at high school camp, he just went down and jumped in the water. The youth Pastor seemed happily surprised, most likely because Michael had shown little interest until that moment. But things were different after that. Michael felt different. He knew long before his public display that his heart belonged to God, but it was different after the baptism, sort of like a step in the right direction. His mother cried when she heard, his dad just patted him on the back and said, “they finally wore you down eh?” He grinned at Michael and Michael understood that he was teasing. But he also understood that his father took their faith a lot less seriously than his mother.

Eli Keller was a hard working man that owned his own construction business. He worked hard labor six out of seven days a week and if they were working on a subdivision, seven days a week. His father worked hard so sometimes he said he liked to play hard. That was what worried Naomi. The way he played hard, he and the boys would go out for Pizza and beers and usually Dad took it too far. But he always repented and said it was all in the name of harmless fun. He couldn’t very well refuse the invitations of his men; they worked darn hard for him and might take it as an insult. It was a sign of respect that they invited him in the first place.

Michael remembered hearing the conversation several times. Only one night when Eli stayed out late after work he came home really sick. Over the next several days it became more evident that he was not getting well and they eventually learned that Eli had pancreatic cancer and it was already spreading into the rest of his body.

That was the day when there life would change forever. Dad had insisted that Michael, starting his junior year then, stay in school but by the end of winter term the cancer was so aggressive and with his father’s rapid decline physically, Michael dropped out of school, never intending to return.

In April his father passed. Michael was never more depressed in his life. His mother was trying to hold it together and kept telling Michael to lean on the Lord now. Her faith was good for her and Michael did not want to hurt Naomi more, but Michael was angry at God! Angry because Michael had prayed so often over the past year and pleaded with God to please heal his dad and to please save him from the cancer, but his dad just got worse and worse.

Michael remembered one day in March his father talked to him about what was going to happen. “Michael, I know you have been praying for me son.” Eli looked sternly into Michaels eyes.

“Everyone has dad, you’re going to get better.”

“No Michael, I’m not, I am going to die.” Eli paused for a minute, still holding his gaze on Michael. Michael looked away. He continued, “I want you to know that… because I want you to understand.” Eli was having a hard time getting his words out. His emotions were riding high now and he didn’t want to break down in front of his son. He took in a breath, barely able to breathe deep at all and let it out slowly. “I have had a good life Michael, I have had more good in my life than I deserved. The love of a good woman, the son any man would dream of having, and the mercy of God to give me the days here that I have had.”

“But Dad…” Michael was crying now and he couldn’t finish his sentence, he had a hard time listening to this. He wanted to jump up and scream at his dad, No! No! You’re giving up dad! Don’t just give up! But he couldn’t say those things, he wouldn’t.

“Please let me finish son.” Tears streaming down Eli’s face as well. “Sometimes we pray for things and well, it’s just not God’s will, that’s all, but He knows better than we do. I am going to heaven and you will see me there son. Please hear me, I love you son and I don’t want to see you waste time here feeling sorry for me or worse, angry with God.”

Both sat there in the hospital room, quietly sobbing, unable to move.

Michael heard his father that day but he didn’t want to believe it. He wanted to believe that his Father was going to get well and things would be back to the way they were, before the cancer. He wouldn’t have let himself believe anything else.

After his father passed Michael forgot about that conversation for quite a while and in anger turned to drinking and partying. He caught up with his frat buddies every weekend. It was his friends and the constant persuading of his mother that led him back to school after taking over a year off. Michael was planning to work his father’s business, taking it over and eventually get his Contractors license, but his mother would not hear a word of that. She insisted that his father had sacrificed and saved for Michael to go to college and that is what he would do. Naomi could live on the humble life insurance policy and get a part-time job and Michael would finish school.

Thinking back on everything they had been through made Michael want to cry. His mother had been right of course. This was something he needed to do, for himself and his father. The sense of accomplishment was overwhelming. Now he could start working full-time, he could start living, and he and his mom would really have a new start.

As Michael turned into his drive he could hardly believe what he saw, his mother had pulled his father’s old jeep out of the garage, only it was all cleaned up and there was a big ribbon on it. Michael ran over to the jeep and picked up the card on the hood.

Dear son, I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. I wanted to surprise you with something special for graduation, so I had Oscar working on the jeep when you weren’t home to get it running for you. Oscar says it has quite a few good years left in it. It’s something your father would have wanted you to have, I love you, Mom.

Michael was so surprised, he ran into the house and gave his mom a huge hug practically knocking her over. “Mom, I’m seriously shocked. Thank you so much.” He squeezed her again picking her up and twirling her around, her five foot frame barely weighing anything to him. “I love you Mom,” he said as he released her.

“I love you too son and I am so happy for you.” Naomi, catching her breath, wanted to say more, but she held her words inside for now. Lord, help Michael find his way back to you.

“Well tomorrow’s the big day! I have one last meeting tonight at the house and then after graduation tomorrow, I am done with that place!” Michael wandered towards the kitchen to peruse for food.

Naomi knew what he meant by “meeting,” sure he was in leadership in the fraternity, but Naomi could only imagine the kind of party they had planned for their graduates. Michael had been careful to not let his mother in on his party life, but she knew the signs all the same. She prayed every time he went out, for his safety and for God’s hand to be on his life. But he was leaving the school now and his life would be different. Naomi had so much hope for Michael’s future. The hope of him walking with the Lord, marrying a strong godly woman and starting a family. This was Naomi’s dream for Michael and she shared it with God frequently.

Michael couldn’t have felt more excited. His life was moving forward. He liked that. So on to the next thing. He was a go-getter. But tonight, tonight he would have fun and if he were lucky, which he often was, maybe he would meet up with the amazing girl he ran into today. Just maybe.

BEAUTIFUL! Searching for happlity ever after...

The following story is taken from a drama we performed in 2005. A modern day tale inspired by the spiritual application of the book of Ruth in the Bible.

Chapter 1 - Ruth

Ruth woke early for school. She wanted to have some time to herself before her mother called for breakfast. If she were lucky in fact, Ruth would get out of the house with out anyone waking and she would escape the usual morning rituals, the family niceties, and the prodding questions of moving plans, Ruth’s future and Harvard Law School. Of course that would come up again. All roads lead to Harvard Law School in the Devilder family, at least where Ruth was concerned. It was not going to be any different today except for the fact that Ruth was feeling uneasy about her future. She had always believed she would go to law school. That was the plan. But now with her upcoming graduation and the LSAT’s behind her, it was beginning to feel less like her dream and more like death by legal injection.

How many times had she rehearsed the conversations with her father? “Actually father, I would like to take a year off from school. Yes I do plan to go to Graduate School Father, I feel some time to actually find my passion would…” And they always ended the same. “Yes Father, I respect you and I do know who I am. Yes Sir, Devilders do not need to find themselves. Of course Father I am passionate about the law.” Ruth could not find the courage to genuinely share her heart with Charles Devilder. She never could talk to him. All of their conversations had always been one-sided; after all, he was an attorney, one of the best. He knew how to win an argument and she knew better than to engage.

Ruth scrambled through her book bag to find her keys. Where had she left them? It was five minutes before the parental units were to wake; she could slip out the side door as long as she did not have to go through the kitchen, and she could avoid everyone, especially her mother. Mrs. Devilder had become obsessed about graduation. She had spent hours on the phone making plans for Ruth’s party, a party Ruth had asked her to keep simple. But Harriet Devilder did not have simple in her repertoire. She seized every opportunity to hold a gala event. Not because she was so proud of Ruth, Ruth knew that her mother thoroughly enjoyed displaying her wealth to anyone who would envy it.

Ah, at last, her keys. She could make a quiet escape.

Ruth made her way down the back stare well. She could hear Ms. Filly, their house made-cook-retired-nanny rushing around in the kitchen. She would be able to avoid the kitchen and dining room all together by making her way to the serving pantry and out through the side entrance. Ruth felt concern as she plotted her route. What were the real reasons she tried so desperately to avoid her parents. She had cultivated her system over the past few years to get away from the family whenever she told herself she just wanted a break, that she needed some down time, alone time. Recently she found the need for down time more frequent and it wasn’t actually quality alone time either as she was willing to be anywhere, anywhere, but home.

She assured herself it was likely due to the stress of finals, finishing the term strong with her standard 4.2 GPA or maybe it was the graduation speech rattling around in her head. That or her friends Keira and Stacey pressuring her to get out more and live a little. Or she may just have a touch of Senioritis. “Do you get that in college?” But down deep, Ruth felt different, like something was missing, only she wasn’t sure why.

As Ruth drove through the tree lined country roads into Corvallis, she thought back on her younger years, her family, her parents and her upbringing. She knew at an early age that her family was not like other families. She didn’t feel the same comfortable affection that seemed to settle easily on families she had observed. She knew she didn’t have the kind of run up and jump in his lap father that some of her friends grew up with, nor did she have the warm mother-daughter share everything bond that she had longed for as a teen. But why weren’t they more affectionate? And what was making her think of it now?

They loved each other and took care of each other. That was what really mattered. And besides, Ruth had everything she ever wanted and considerably more than she ever needed. So in that sense her parents were wonderful. They wanted the best for Ruth. They wanted the best of everything. There was certainly nothing wrong with that, especially when her father had worked so hard to get all that they had. His law firm was world renown. He was constantly flying over seas to litigate for multi-million dollar corporations and he was frequently called on to consult in some of the most famous cases in the country. No doubt his reputation was impeccable.

Ruth made her way to the campus. Oregon State seemed busier than ever. The day was turning out to be sunny and soon she would see groups of students laying in the grass and tossing around a Frisbee or lingering on the quad steps in lazy conversation. Ruth had to finish up a few things before graduation practice. She wanted time to say goodbye to some of her professors and her adviser.

Mr. Collins had seemed more like family to her over the past few terms than her own family had. He loved to taunt her about her “options” and kept referring to that nagging profile that said she would be more suited to teaching law than arguing it. She had kindly disagreed. But the conversation did make her think and she thanked him for challenging her the way he did and also for the way he spoke to her.

Mr. Collins was not like other advisors on campus. He was never too busy for her and always had encouraging words. Ruth often wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that he and his wife attended church. She knew that because she ran into them getting groceries one Sunday and they mentioned they just came from church.

One time last year when Ruth was overwhelmed with her schedule, her double major getting the best of her, she went to see Mr. Collins and ended up crying in his office. She was so embarrassed and apologized all over the place as she was stepping out of his office, and he looked at her with a kindness in his face and said that he would pray for her. No one had ever told her that. It was oddly a comfort to her. She would never forget that. And never forget him.

She knocked on his door.

“Come in.” Mr. Collins sounding muffled had his head in a box and did not look up as he spoke.

“Hello Mr. Collins, I wanted to stop by incase I don’t get a chance to see you tomorrow.” Ruth peaked over his desk curious as to what had his attention.

Mr. Collins looked up at Ruth and smiled. “Oh…hello Ruth, thanks for coming in. Well, this is it, how do you feel?”

Hmm, no one had ever asked her that. Ruth was not sure how to answer. “I feel…I feel relieved,” hesitating a bit, “and good of course, I feel good. I really am glad to be done though.”

“Well you have been more dedicated than any student I have ever known. It has been a pleasure to be your advisor, Ruth, thank you for keeping me on my toes.”

“Well I don’t know about that, I think it was the other way around.”

“No Ruth. Listen, I know this term has been intense for you, but I wanted to say, one last time, you can do anything Ruth, you can be anything, go anywhere, accomplish anything, just make sure that what you choose is what you want. If you don’t make your own choices in life, life has a way of making them for you.”

He looked so serious and yet completely genuine. “Thanks Mr. Collins, I know you really care about me.”

“Listen, if you ever need to talk, or if you get bored at Harvard, just give me a call.” Mr. Collins handed Ruth his business card and smiled widely, “because Harvard couldn’t possibly be as fascinating as we are here.”

Ruth smiled back appreciating his ability to make light of the moment. “I will call, I am sure. I’ll likely have anxiety issues or some kind of break down next year.” Ruth really wasn’t sure what to expect. Moving to the East Coast scared her to death.

“You’re going to do just fine, Ruth.” Mr. Collins patted her arm.

Ruth had a strange feeling he wanted to hug her but refrained. It really wouldn’t be appropriate, but she wouldn’t mind.

As Ruth walked down the hall leaving his office she felt her eyes tear up and she swallowed hard to recover. Had her advisor meant so much to her? He was a constant fixture of kindness in her life the past four years she had really come to rely on. It only occurred to Ruth how much Mr. Collins meant to her just then, walking away from his office for the last time. She blinked hard hoping the tears would pull back.

Ruth felt like her life was about to change and it was, but she feared that it might not change for the better. She decided to focus on the graduation. That was next. “One step at a time Ruth,” She told herself. “After all, a lot could happen in the next few weeks, you never know.” Ruth pondered her strange thoughts for a minute and feeling a tinge of hope she decided to leave things at that.

(to be continued...next week)

Self Portrait Challenge!

I am a HUGE fan of this blog... Kellie Dykast - Scraplog! (Designer and Owner of Every Jot & Tittle)

And she posted her new series of self portraits this year in an attempt to reach some of her goals and challenged us to do the same. I had previously written about having courage this year and felt inspired to post self portraits as well.

I have been transforming myself from the inside out, literally. The past few years I have walked through a lot of personal healing especially in the area of health and self image. So this challenge is very timely for me. And I am a bit nervous too. I recently lost over 50 lbs and I am still working towards a greater goal, more on that journey later. So I think it would be fitting to start this series with a before photo.

I have such a hard time thinking I look any different. Even though I know the truth.

Below is me and my girl last May...

And me now...

What do you think? Can you tell the difference? Apparently I do not go in for full body shots. But I am looking for a few to post and I will be brave and take some new ones!

Ok Kellie, I did it!

Ruth = Beautiful!

I am going to be sharing about Ruth from the Bible soon to a group of women and that has my mind stirred about one of my favorite drama's, Beautiful!

In 2004 God stirred my heart to write the drama Beautiful, a modern day story of the spiritual application of Ruth. Ruth's name means beautiful. Our Pastor had just taken us through this book and I fell in love with the story and with our heroic character!

Since then I have written so much about the story that it is now in a possible book form. Though I am not sure anything will ever come of it, writing the story of Beautiful and developing it further has been an awesome journey for me. So I have decided to share it! I will be posting my "chapters" if you will right here on the blog. Because its fun and because I need to be courageous and just do it. (See my post on courage here.)

I love Ruth because she was brave. She first of all married a man from a completely different culture and background than hers. Though I must say it is very telling of the state of the family that the sons were not taking Hebrew women as wives. And right away tragedy strikes and she is widowed. Now many of us would just run back to the arms of family and what we know to be comfort and secure, however Ruth pressed on in her new life. Whatever possessed her to do this? I am continually pondering this thought when I read the book of Ruth. My answer is it can only be God. And even when her grieving Mother-in-law pleads with her to go back to her own people, and this was her "out" should she ever want to take it, she refused.

Brave and determined. But even more than that is she had the most sincere and loving heart. She was not about to leave Naomi on her own. Ruth was a caretaker. She likely had an idea of what Naomi may be facing alone. No provision, no family home to return to, no strength or youth to provide for herself. Naomi was Ruth's family now and Ruth purposed not to run but to follow her whatever that may lead to. So exciting!

If you have not read the book, do. Take time with it. Let it settle in your heart and mind. We are all Ruth, brought into a family that was not originally our own, set on a journey to follow after a Redeemer that would radically change our lives and give to us the promise of an eternal heritage.

Thank you Jesus for your true promises and for blessing us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places! Ephes 1:3

The trouble with HYPERBOLE

I love a good story. I love to get excited and excite others with my words. I love to paint a vivid picture and instigate emotion and feelings. I am prone to hyperbole and exaggeration.

Now mind you this is a gift, I know. God has given me creative thinking for story telling and dramatization. I use this in marketing and business campaigns, all good things. I have the ability to embellish and accessorize scenarios with words; a useful skill.

The problem is that it is SO easy to be part of my every day life story telling.

Have you ever witnessed someone who tells the same good story over and over again and each time they tell it, it gets bigger and brighter? I have. Not that I do this mind you. But as I have heard some BIG FISH stories frequently told it made me contentious of my own story telling habits.

I felt the Lord stirring this caution in me some years back and I have long since been practicing sharing my exciting tales with out any truth bending.

But recently I have observed this in a harmful way. As I was sifting through my thoughts of an incredibly difficult circumstance that one of my kids are going through, the words "this has been over dramatized" ran across my brain. I stopped mid-thought to sort of seize that line of thinking. I believe the Lord was trying to give me some new perspective.

He said to me "just as clearly as you know that this situation is one way, because of extreme dramatization and exaggeration, this other person truly believes it is another way." I had to think on that a minute, hmm, then it became clear.

Feeding yourself, quite frankly indulging frequently a diet of exaggeration, dramatization, or hyperbole, skews perspective and the ability to see things as they are but rather as you project them to be. Oh my. Read that again.

At the core of what we BELIEVE is the underlying fragile state of perspective which has the power to skew any truth. This is why several people all part of the exact same incident will walk away with several completely different accounts. All filtered by perspective.

Now here is the caution and insight. Living in your head is harmful. Feeding on situations and talking them into the ground over and over again produces unhealthy feelings, exaggerated accounts, and convinces your innerman of truths that never even occurred. Obsessing over these thoughts, reading into them, then searching for anything to back up or confirm this not wholly true wisdom is SO dangerous.

Internal dialogue is a fair weather friend. When you become engaged in your mind with rehearsing life rather than the actual living of it, I would say you are traveling a shakey path. The thing is your feelings do not know the difference between what really took place and what you are making it out to be in your mind. Your subcontious does not know the difference. The core of your perspective of a person or a circumstance can be completely skewed or changed from things that never really took place, conversations and emotions stirred up in your mind or in the retelling with hyperbole. Add to that any type of external investigation of which you will most certainly be able to find many other stories to contribute to it and you have convinced yourself to believe, live in, and walk through a lie.(A partial truth being the same as a lie.)

This is at the core of woundedness and a wrong unhealthy perspective of God.

The enemy is skilled at this tactic and he only has to subtly help us with the exaggeration or twisting inorder to convince us of a lie. Eve was the first victum of this strategy. And the intersting part is she was so easily convinced.

How is this combated? Simple, God's truth. When the thoughts and feelings seem to overwhelm us and we are shaken to the core over anything, we must stop and force our mind and thoughts to grab firmly Gods persepctive. My good friend Cindy taught me to ask God, what is the truth about this? Asking God for His truth, His persepctive and shutting down my own thoughts and unleashed emotions allows God's words and Spirit to flood in, giving me His perspective. No strongholds then can form. No misconcieved beliefs can stir. No lies can be developed.

Pure truth of the word and God. What do we do until we master this skill, we practice it over and over again.

When you find yourself deep in that mind churning, heart beating, oppresive state, give yourself and your mind a time out. Don't wrestle with your inner thoughts, wrestly with God, not the same thing you know. Another friend of mine Charlene shared she began the practice of her Jesus chair. And she had to get in that chair and not leave until God could set the mind and heart right. Open His word. Read until the emotins fall away and the thoughts become pure, true, His.

I love a good story. Better than that, I love a true story. Holding my words and thoughts accountable is one of the most radical disiciplines God is working in me, oh sweet healing comes from this type of discipline.

So I let my words be few, Jesus I am so in love with you.

Curse-ed FEAR!

Not too long ago I literally shouted these words out in tears fist raised to the sky! I had been tossed about in waves of circumstance facilitated by others choices that were absolutely driven from fear.

Its one thing to battle my own fear and I have done so and with great help from the Lord found much victory. But its a totally different animal being caught up in situations that completely and totally fall to another person and the crippling decisions they make handicapped by fear.

Fear is a loose canon and a fickle friend. It can come in many forms. It can appear to be safe preaching the word "caution," it can pretend to be wisdom with it's cohort "worldly advice" and it presumes justice with the falsehood of "community validation." But all of these misguided practices can be dispelled fairly easily when taken to the Word to match against truth.

Many preach that the opposite of fear is faith. But I have come to really believe the opposite of fear is wisdom. As we have studied through the Proverbs as a church this year and seeing wisdom personified my eyes were opened differently to the alternative choices we make that are clearly not wise and surmised that a great deal of those choices are driven by fear. Ignorance at times sure, foolishness at times, a lack of love possibly. But not necessarily a lack of faith. Because we can be fooled to have complete faith in something that is not wisdom at all driven completely out of our own fears and be ruled by it unknowingly.

The question is, what is the source of our wisdom, what is compelling our actions?

As a young believer I had the best intentions serving the Lord. We were young and zealous and evangelizing the world. I was however a very wounded young adult, though I really did not know it and I was driven, absolutely driven to performance based serving. Though I could not have recognized it I was actually driven by fear. I had a heart to serve the Lord sure, but I also had a deep underlying fear that if I did not show up, I may be forgotten, I may not look the part, people may see right through me. My actions were not based in truth though they were even righteous actions.

I had right thinking in serving the Lord, but I had the wrong approach for making the decisions for how and what to serve the Lord in. And at the core of my being I was actually trying to fill some other desperate needs other than a pure love for the God I serve. Oh so convoluted are the ways I operate as a human. Ah!

Yet God has been so kind and gentle in breaking these motives down and bringing truth to my wounded soul. He showed me that my constant need to be "needed" was false and not from Him and was being fed by other deeper hurts of rejection, abuse, abandonment. He reassured me that He would never do all of those things to me even if I never worked at the church or in ministry another day of my life. For what He had given me, I did not have to keep earning. He brought such freedom and peace. He began to teach me to make choices from a healthy knowledge of who He is and who I am in Him. Not driven from any un-health or FEAR.

As far as other people's fears that so effect our lives, well that we can only take to the Lord. But there are times when I am hurt or my children are hurt and it is completely the doing of someones fear and it SO frustrates me not for the person, they need healing, but for the weapon of our enemy that fear is.

Fear is the most subtlety destructive tool our enemy yields against us and is one of the most difficult to detect. FEAR is personified - fear is our enemy! And he wants you to believe that your fears are justified, but please let me tell you unless you are talking about the reverent respect of our Lord, fear is not righteous or just.

The bible tells 365 times NOT to fear. I have heard it said that is one for each day of the year. That's a lot of commanding us not to fear. Do you think God knew it would be such a struggle?

When we radically pursuit intimacy with God, He alone dispels fear. His word and truth are like beautiful fear erasers in the ARTIST hands of God, and He wants to paint in our lives vivid healthy colorful patterns that come from His love and from true and right thinking about Him.

Lionel has always asked the question "what would you do if you were not afraid." God gave me a new question, "what things are you doing right now because you are afraid?" It's something to ponder.

Lord, help me not to be motivated by fear and to quickly see through fear and not be ruled by it or act on it. Amen.

COURAGE.

I am not writing about resolutions this 1^st day of the year, but rather courage!

We can always resolve to do the needful, beautiful, fulfilling, life changing things in our lives. We can and should resolve to do them. But we must have courage to take the necessary and often times bold steps to move forward and actually do them!

I say be courageous this year. Move forward. Boldly go where you have not previously gone before.

Make those difficult choices for getting out of debt!

Join that gym or put that exercise DVD in the shopping cart, go home and start using it.

Shop for your food differently.

Time block.

Get up 30 minutes earlier.

Write something everyday.

Pick up that instrument and just play.

Schedule dates with your family.

Download that read your bible in a year plan.

Make a coffee date with that one person you need to apologize to.

Send out those thank you notes/notes of encouragement.

You know it, just start doing it. You are not stuck.

Have the COURAGE to live. LIVE. Starting today, not the way you always have, but rather the way you have always dreamed of living.

Happy 2011! It’s gonna be a good one!