A peace of my heart: My story and Ephesians.

As the Lord began walking me through the process of healing He had me camp out in Ephesians for a long season and began to stir my heart for the truths in this book to become active and alive in my life. Since that time, He has asked me to share this, in discipleship, at a retreat, and now to the women of my church. Which has been such a blessing to me and I have to say stirred even more healing in me. I am grateful for the opportunities He has given me and honored that He would use me like this. So I am sharing here as well. Below is a small section of this first session with the link if you are stirred to listen. I will be posting them all here.

Ephesians 1:18 the eyes of our understanding being enlightened…that you may know the HOPE, HIS CALLING, YOUR IDENTITY. (paraphrased by me.)

A few months ago my husband was meeting with a very highly regarded Christian man in our community. And the truth was this man’s heart has grown somewhat calloused with the lies of the enemy. SO in the process of God speaking through my husband, Lionel began to share some of my story. How I was abandoned by my real father, how my mother had six husbands and went from one abusive relationship to an even worse one, how I was sexually abused at a young age and how I lived very much of my adolescent years over exposed to sexuality, drug abuse, and alcoholic lifestyles.

But Lionel was telling this man of the powerful work of healing God has been doing in my life over the past 12+ years. And how God has radically changed me. And this man made a very profound statement and asked one of the best questions I have ever heard.

He said most Christians run from that kind of healing. I want to let that seep in a little, most Christians run from that kind of healing. You know he is right, healing is hard and even painful work.

And then He asked, why didn’t Kristen? Good question. Why didn’t I run from it, stay shut down, closed off, defeated. Why?

My precious husband gave the best answer I have ever heard, as he had observed this process in me over the years. He said it was the pursuit of God that kept her pressing in for more healing, not the pursuit of healing itself. He shared that each time God would walk me through a layer of healing, God would reveal a little more about Himself in the process and I became desperate to know Him more and more, and in turn He helped me trust Him to work through the painful things that would allow my heart to heal.

CS Lewis wrote: Your real new self will not come as you are looking for it, it will come when you are looking for Him. By His love we escape from ourselves into Him, and then into one another!

We have an assignment, to actively pursuit God.

AW Tozer The Pursuit of God: TO have found God and still to pursuit Him is the soul’s paradox of love.

I believe who we are and how we live, react, respond, walk, thrive, or fail, is directly related to what and who we perceive God to be and what and how we believe about His words. We do not live by what we know, we live by what we believe. Yes there is a difference. We live by what is in our heart.

The Psalmist said it, guard the heart with all diligence for out of flow the issues of life, not out of our minds and thoughts, out of our hearts.

Romans 10:9-10 explains that it is the heart that believes unto salvation

TOZER: In speaking thus I have one fear, that I might convince the mind before God has won the heart.

No matter who you are, what your going through, how you’ve sinned, who has hurt you, what your financial circumstance, what your past, present, or future is, the active radical pursuit of HIM, God, to know Him alone, will dramatically change it all.

Here the full story and insite from the book of Ephesians here.

Hearing from God. Does He provide?

I am writing this quick post as thoughts keep rushing through my brain on a particular topic of making wise decisions with the Lord and specifically concerning His provision.

We live in a community of believers where there are SO many amazing opportunities to do things with the Lord and with the body of Christ. Many. Many. And so many of these are spendy.

So are all of them of the Lord? Sure.

Does God want me to do all of them? Absolutely not.

I've been hearing from a lot of young people lately, oh just do this or just do that, God will provide. Hmm, really? It certainly would feel good to me or my young adult children to get to do every single thing that is in front if us, it would feel great actually. But I am reminded of an old and wise saying "many things are good, but what is Gods best for me?"

My heart was struggling with this, SO I asked the Lord because I wanted to give my own kids wise words from the Lord. And He said to me simply this, every thing I speak to them to do I will provide for, everything they go outside of my plan for them and do on their own will be bondage to them. And then He said this, they can learn these lessons the hard way, or they can learn to hear from me now in all things and avoid a lot of heart ache. Lead them to hear from Me.

Wow. Ok Lord.

He will tell them. Not others. Not even me. And He is teaching them to hear His voice. Amazing. And He has plans for them that sometimes means they miss out on one amazing thing because God is doing other amazing things in their life.

Peace in my heart. It is a yes to God in our heart. Not a blanket yes to every cool thing that comes our way. Some times saying yes to following God means He says NO to some adventures that seem awesome to us. It's because He always has a plan. And if its a true desire of your heart He is saying NO to right now, it will be a matter of trusting Him for that in the future.

CAUTION!!! Do not put your self in the place of the Holy Spirit convincing someone they should do something that God has not spoke to them about. We can not speak for God to lead another only encourage them to seek Him and pray for them to hear.

Also for young people, learn His voice. Listen, take time to pray, learn to make wise decisions with Him, on your own.

Our Pastor Rob Verdeyen shared in his message concerning the apostle Paul's missionary journeys, that Paul had good plans for trips to reach the gentiles, yet they were not God's plans and God worked differently then Paul expected or even desired but every time it was way better(I am summarizing). It's SO good to surrender our own plans. And when we join God in what He is already moving and doing in our life, it is way better than we can even ask or think...Ephesians 3:20.

And this is not about a matter of lacking faith either. It takes as much faith to hear a No from God as it does a Yes. More so in fact because we mostly want to hear a yes. But either way the enemy is trying to thwart God's plans in our life. Satan will lie to you saying of course God wants this for you, why wouldn't He? but God does not call us to places of bondage. Ever.

SO to remain in His obedience and perfect plan, we must hear from Him. And what do we do if we do not hear? We wait. Yes, that's right. Sometimes He makes us wait. I personally know it is during the waiting times in my life that I have drawn into greater intimacy with the Lord. As the Lord revealed this to me He said, Kristen I love the waiting times with you, I love you pressing into Me, so close, waiting your every move for my word, this is how I am growing you Kristen.

I have a dear friend that just went to Israel for the 1st time and LOVED it! She tells me that I will get to go in God's right appointed time for me. I love her for that! I do not feel I am missing out on anything God has for me because I walk with the Lord and He instructs me what to do, where to go, how to spend my money.

And He has provided for everything in my life. Everything. And when I make a mistake, He lets me know and yet I still have the consequences of my actions and some of those have taken time to walk through. Lessons learned.

Does God perform amazing miracles and powerfully supply all our needs? Absolutley. Will He provide for all of our wants and desires? Not necessarily. A wise steward will not put to test the latter. Come to Him on His terms, not your own. Lay down your personal rights and you will be joyfully led by Him, what ever that may look like and where ever.

A good resource: for making wise financial decisions, Dave Ramsey.

Blessings!

The BBQ-Healing Ministry?

When we came to Corvallis almost 12 years ago, Lionel and I were displaced Pastors.

We had been on staff full time at churches and were a little worn, burned out, chewed up, and bitter. I remember thinking when I moved here, I really do not want one single Christian friend. We started attending Calvary Corvallis our second Sunday in town and we liked the teaching and worship right away. But we had a goal every Sunday- get in and get out. As fast as we could. We would leave during the last song so we could quickly get through the children's ministry. We wanted to remain under the radar. So we did.

A little over a year attending Calvary we were healing, the good hearty Wordwas filling us and refreshing us and the worship was renewing our spirits little by little but something was missing. We did not know anyone and we were not serving. We actually discussed going to a smaller church.

One day our son Jeremiah with all his 9 year old wisdom said "Dad, we were closer to God when we were serving him."

Those words pierced out hearts.

We had been doing our parental "duty" keeping them in church regularly. But our children SO knew the difference. They had seen the passion in us as we ministered to teens, spoke at the nursing homes, evangelized our communities, planned with joy events, retreats, went to summer camps, they had lived it with us and they could tell, something was missing.
We were not ready to rush into the throws of full ministry however and no one knew us. So we joined the Barbeque ministry. This was the best thing for us. We could do it as a family. It was seasonal. It was not every week and we would get to meet a ton of people.

The very first meeting Gene Stokes was sharing his heart for the ministry and the laborers and he said "please feel free to let us know if you need a break or are getting burned out, we don't want anyone here serving and feeling that way." Lionel and I were shocked and encouraged by those words. It was so loving and so caring.

We left there pleased and dazed. We had just come from churches where you were back sliding if you stepped away from a ministry. We had recently been told we must not care about our kids souls if we were no longer in a particular denomination. And now we have permission to step away from flipping burgers? Really?

God began to unravel some things in us that day. He began to undo some of the hurts and poor into us His healthy heart for ministry and serving and fellowship and body life.

And the BBQ ministry was SO fun. We loved getting together with these people and going on Sundays and having people know our names and us theirs. It was a good beginning to build relationships, to begin serving again, and to heal.

No scheme of man...

This line is stuck in my head for a few reasons.

Yesterday I was sinking in disappointment. Not good. The thing is I know how to battle the enemy. I am practiced at isolating thoughts, taking them captive and spitting them out while at the same time flooding my mind with truth. I am very disciplined in careful self dialogue and inner chatter. I really am.

But yesterday there were layers of disappointment. It was a mound. I felt grief for my kids, rejection and disappointment over scenarios in their life, I felt disappointment from my husband which was not his fault but still very present. I felt disappointment from the Lord, ultimately that is where it all stemmed from. Did you let me down God?
And my usual efforts were not enough. Maybe I was tired, drained, emotional, etc. I soaked in the word, worshiped, listened to messages, read my books, journaled, prayed. Nothing was breaking through.

About 10:45 last night I had a conversation with a dear friend and told her she needed rest. Wait, what? I needed rest. It was late. I was tired and my heart had been feeling hurt all day. At this point the only thing that was going to set my heart straight was rest.

I went to bed and prayed then slept.

This morning I woke refreshed with a heart at peace. Not sure that any thing had changed, but I had changed. My heart was well and as my body and mind had rested, my spirit was renewed by God. Yeah, He does that, while we sleep sometimes especially when we ask Him too.

None of my own plans or schemes were working. None of my families either as their circumstance are all in Gods control.

And today God intervened in some mighty ways on LJ's behalf, getting him through some difficult things. Once again showing him that only He God can put him LJ in the places he is going.

Thank you Lord that you can bear my disappointments, refresh my hurting heart, and you still work and move even when I do not believe you are.

Whats For Dinner? CAKE!!!

I recently have found a new obsession. Cake.

Not eating it mind you, though I do love to eat cake. But making them! It all started with the Cake Boss. We have netflix and i look for fun clean shows to watch while cleaning, doing little projects, scrapbooking, etc. Well I started watching Buddy and the gang on this show and I was hooked. I had to try Fondant! It was just killing me.

Well my girl was having her 18th birthday party and it was going to be kind of a big deal to me and Lionel. Because we kind of make a big deal out of her, please do not scold us. Anyways, I did not want to just dive right in and make hers first so I decided a test cake was in order! But first I researched the web.

Love youtube for how-to's and what not to's. I ordered from Amazon, the cheapest tools in the world by the way, Amazon rocks! And there I was all set to do my first cake. Oh it was SO exciting. I think it was combining my love for art and design with my love for food that really sent me over the top. Anyways I started in layers. Bake the cakes. Get them in the fridge chilling a few days. Make home made frosting and then get the cakes out, level them, dirty ice them(crumb ice). Then chill a few more hours, then ice again, chill a few more hours. I could hardly wait to roll out the Fondant!

I got all set up and proceeded to follow each step to the letter. And in less time than I would have guessed, it was a thing of beauty!

Love at first fondant! And that's all it took. that first cake, now I am addicted to cake sites, recipes, styles, and practicing for any reason at all!

Next I will show my most recent cakereations!

Joy. Comes. Full. Circle.

The sand on my feet. The breeze off the water. The smell of wet clothes, hair and sand wafting. The sounds of God's children singing, praying, crying, and rejoicing. The stirring of Jesus in hearts. Tears streaming down my face. This is the flavor of baptism.Hand and hand believers rush to the waterside with obedience in their hearts and a yes on their face. Loved one bringing loved one to the place of not just knowing Jesus but following Jesus. Ministers there greet, hug, shake hands, strengthen, and serve the brethren in this first step of faith.

I look on as I am overwhelmed by the number of Gods people in full surrender. Yet my heart is full for another reason, a mother's heart spilling over. God is faithful. And He has come thru yet again.

The sight of inexpressible and yet uncontainable joy beaming from my sons face. In the rays of the sunlight reflecting off the water LJ shines brighter for the purity and freedom of the love of Jesus that flows from him.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL Calvary Baptism 4/30/11

Redeemed, restored, renewed.

LJ ministers baptism over and over as the waves break over his knees and the wind carries the sent of salt, he prays and cries and loves strangers now turned friends, brethren, family.

A vision of a few years previous. Much the same circumstance, middle school-ers coming forward, one at a time, LJ's face beaming with joy, the last time I saw him that happy. The last time I saw joy in his eyes and sincere love flowing easily from his face.

Lake Bradley Middle School Camp 8/2008

Now he stands, not stained, not burdened, not shamed, not bitter, but free. In Joy, that has come as God promised on this morning as light has dawned in this end of a darkened sason for him and joy has come on this baptism morning. Full. Circle.

Jesus, thank you.

Some Lentil Love!

What's for dinner? Morrocan Lentil Stew.

(how much do I love my iphone Hipstamatic? Tons!)

Oh so excited about this meal! This is about to become one of my all time favorites. The simplicity is that it's 15 minutes of prep, cooks all day in the crock pot and you come home to the most glorious smells wafting through the house greeting you at the door. I was seriously drooling by the time I got to the pot to stir and check the meat, AH! So perfect.

Ok here is the recipe which is a mox of several I have seen and please feel free to embellish, I did!

1 bag green lentils (there are different colors)
1 small roast or bone/hamhock (I love a small roast, beef, lamp, pork, etc.)
2 or 3 chopped carrots
1/2 chopped onion (I like purple but use your fav)
2 cans diced or whole tomato
1/2 a head of garlic pressed or tons of garlic powder
1 tbls basil or Italian seasoning
1 tsp dried parsely
1 tbls salt
1 tbls black pepper (yes a lot)
1 tbls chili powder
1 tsp cummin
1 tsp thyme
1/2 c Worcestershire sauce
1/4 c lemon juice
1 can chicken broth
3 cans water

Ok, so these measurements on the spices are give and take. I am not an exact measure-er type of person, so be sensible and omit what you do not like. Also red potatoes are good in this, I was out. If you want it more like a soup, add more water. Rice wine vinegar would be good instead of the Worcestershire as well. Rinse and sort the lentils like the bag says but no pre-soaking. Brown your roast if you use roast, then throw it all in the crock pot, cook on low for 10 hours, not kidding.

We ate it with rice crackers to keep it gluten free and a garnish of Mediterranean hummus. Yummy.

Bon Appetit!

Attention Deficit Cooking Disorder = ADCD

Seriously, I am recovering from this. This is a post or series, hmm we will have to see about that, about my cooking journey.

First off let me say I in no way whatsoever have any type of attentive, attention, deficit, hyperactivity disorders or the likes of which. Nor do I poke fun at these. However when it comes to cooking, that is an entirely different matter altogether.

Here are a few thoughts about my past cooking philosophies...
You know you have ADCD if you frequently serve cereal or ice cream for dinner, or secretly want to.
You know you have ADCD if you try to get out of cooking as much as possible reasoning that you have a lifetime of meals to prepare, you are simply pacing yourself.
You know you have ADCD when you eat breakfast for dinner more than twice a week,
You know you have ADCD when you know where all the good dollar, $5, and buy one get one free restaurant deals are.
You know you have ADCD when the most important element of any recipe is preparation time.
You know you have ADCD when after sampling at Costco you wonder if that can count for dinner.
You know you have ADCD if you dread a trip to the grocery store like you dread a trip to the dentist.
And finally you know you have ADCD when your six year old requests a fend for yourself night as her birthday dinner!

I know, sad. But some of you relate, I know you do. And it's not that I couldn't or didn't ever cook. I did cook plenty. And it's not that my food tasted bad, my kids thought I was wonderful cook but now they know the difference for sure :) but I just really didn't love it.

However I have changed, I am recovered. Over the last several years my tastes have changed for one. I feel as though I have gained a more refined palate. I spent a few years working in catering and learning more about food and fine foods. It had a great effect on me. I realized that its not always easiest to prepare packaged processed foods. I realized that my body felt better after eating more whole foods, fresh foods. I read some books about eating organic and watched "Super Size Me" and yeah I about threw up.

I changed. And I learned that I could enjoy cooking for the creativity of it.

And the outcome has been amazing. So these are my cooking tales. Not wild and only mildly entertaining, but a journey none the less.

So whats for dinner tonight?

Black Bean Chili soup! I can not get enough of that stuff and my family loves it too. Here is the recipe!
1 lb ground turkey(I also make this with shredded chicken breast)
1/2 cup onion chopped
1/2 red bell pepper chopped
1/2 a green or yellow bell pepper chopped
Diced tomatoes two or three small ones or 1 canned
1 can diced green chili's(sometimes I use a cup to 1.5 c Salsa or a can of Rotel)
Garlic powder aprox. 1 tbls
Seasoning salt 1 tsp
Chili Powder 1 tbls
Cummin 1/2 tbls

Brown turkey in a deep pan or pot. Add in the veggies and beans, add in seasonings to taste, bring to a boil then simmer for 20 minutes. We like this with corn chips or tortillas, some grated cheese and possibly a dollop of sour cream. Yummy goodness and Gluten Free.

Happy Eating!

Saturday Corporate Prayer=Family

A brisk cool Saturday evening, the sun is shining in Corvallis Oregon which is a gift. Dozens make their way down the gravel hill to the barn converted chapel. Greeted by familiar faces, chairs in circles, and the smell of carpet and wood. As seats are found the emotion of the place is overwhelming. This is a place where hearts are stirred, confession is made, God speaks to His people, decisions are confirmed, battles fought and won.

Photo by Bethany Canfield

This is prayer and we are no longer strangers that have clocked hours in this room, for amidst the petitions and tears and repentance and praise, bonds have been formed, we became family.

In this room we are all equal and we are seeking with a singular heart, we are His. In this room we share truth, we share suffering, we share Jesus.

In this room we attempt to tread on holy ground removing the shoes of our hearts and crying out for the Spirit to flood in.

In this room we hear the exhort-er plead for truth to be revealed and sin to be confessed. We here the merciful ask for grace and hearts to be restored and we hear the compassionate pray for love to be pored out and the wounded healed. We hear the worshiper remember our God giving thanks for His goodness and blessing His name. We hear the fullness of the heart of God through His people and it is good.

The bulletin reads: Church Prayer Meeting. Some call it the boiler room, some say it is the heart beat or pulse of the church, but on Saturday evenings in a crowded chapel on a wooded hill in tiny Corvallis, we come together to meet our loving heavenly Father as a family.

Tell the story.

Recently my church went through a week of fasting and prayer.

We met morning, noon, and night to seek the heart of God, hear from Him, and make intercession for people. It was an amazing week.

By the end of the week I was so stirred by the stories of God and really excited that our Pastor wanted to capture testimonies on video to be shared through out the year, for next year and to bless other churches. I had been praying all week that the work of the Spirit this week would go forward. That it would not end or be contained with in us.

Previously I had read Donald Miller's book "A Million Miles In A Thousand Years." This book really impacted me, it is a book about STORY. And I asked the Lord why is it this one Author comes in contact with SO many dynamic works of God? The Lord answered this, "because he(Donald) would tell the story." That struck me with such revelation and stirred my heart to be accountable to tell the stories of God!

As I was assisting with the video, I was blessed to hear the few testimonies in our church of God's dynamic works. But I have to be honest, I was disappointed too. See I had to go and find people to share and track people down and basically beg some, even leaders. Many said no. Now maybe it is the fear of being video taped, I am not sure. But my heart was grieved none the less.

I was reminded of the scripture in Revelation 12. "And they overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony and they did not love their lives unto death." The verse implies that we will share the wondrous works of God. Not only that, we will not love our life more than even being faced with death, surely video will not kill us. Now I know I am taking this a little extreme, however I really feel the message applies.

And I realize also that our adversary knows as well as we do the POWER in sharing the stories of God. We can not be silenced and we can not be fearful. It is not humility to shrink back from speaking out in a testimonial video, it is insecurity and pride. I believe it is our duty and privilege to speak. I believe however it is a tactic of the enemy to keep us silent.

Tell the story, tell your story, tell the wonderful things God has done in and through you. It is not because of us He is working though He is for us, it is His glory revealed through us!

Ah I am so stirred to hear what God is doing in you! Do tell.