No scheme of man...

This line is stuck in my head for a few reasons.

Yesterday I was sinking in disappointment. Not good. The thing is I know how to battle the enemy. I am practiced at isolating thoughts, taking them captive and spitting them out while at the same time flooding my mind with truth. I am very disciplined in careful self dialogue and inner chatter. I really am.

But yesterday there were layers of disappointment. It was a mound. I felt grief for my kids, rejection and disappointment over scenarios in their life, I felt disappointment from my husband which was not his fault but still very present. I felt disappointment from the Lord, ultimately that is where it all stemmed from. Did you let me down God?
And my usual efforts were not enough. Maybe I was tired, drained, emotional, etc. I soaked in the word, worshiped, listened to messages, read my books, journaled, prayed. Nothing was breaking through.

About 10:45 last night I had a conversation with a dear friend and told her she needed rest. Wait, what? I needed rest. It was late. I was tired and my heart had been feeling hurt all day. At this point the only thing that was going to set my heart straight was rest.

I went to bed and prayed then slept.

This morning I woke refreshed with a heart at peace. Not sure that any thing had changed, but I had changed. My heart was well and as my body and mind had rested, my spirit was renewed by God. Yeah, He does that, while we sleep sometimes especially when we ask Him too.

None of my own plans or schemes were working. None of my families either as their circumstance are all in Gods control.

And today God intervened in some mighty ways on LJ's behalf, getting him through some difficult things. Once again showing him that only He God can put him LJ in the places he is going.

Thank you Lord that you can bear my disappointments, refresh my hurting heart, and you still work and move even when I do not believe you are.

Curse-ed FEAR!

Not too long ago I literally shouted these words out in tears fist raised to the sky! I had been tossed about in waves of circumstance facilitated by others choices that were absolutely driven from fear.

Its one thing to battle my own fear and I have done so and with great help from the Lord found much victory. But its a totally different animal being caught up in situations that completely and totally fall to another person and the crippling decisions they make handicapped by fear.

Fear is a loose canon and a fickle friend. It can come in many forms. It can appear to be safe preaching the word "caution," it can pretend to be wisdom with it's cohort "worldly advice" and it presumes justice with the falsehood of "community validation." But all of these misguided practices can be dispelled fairly easily when taken to the Word to match against truth.

Many preach that the opposite of fear is faith. But I have come to really believe the opposite of fear is wisdom. As we have studied through the Proverbs as a church this year and seeing wisdom personified my eyes were opened differently to the alternative choices we make that are clearly not wise and surmised that a great deal of those choices are driven by fear. Ignorance at times sure, foolishness at times, a lack of love possibly. But not necessarily a lack of faith. Because we can be fooled to have complete faith in something that is not wisdom at all driven completely out of our own fears and be ruled by it unknowingly.

The question is, what is the source of our wisdom, what is compelling our actions?

As a young believer I had the best intentions serving the Lord. We were young and zealous and evangelizing the world. I was however a very wounded young adult, though I really did not know it and I was driven, absolutely driven to performance based serving. Though I could not have recognized it I was actually driven by fear. I had a heart to serve the Lord sure, but I also had a deep underlying fear that if I did not show up, I may be forgotten, I may not look the part, people may see right through me. My actions were not based in truth though they were even righteous actions.

I had right thinking in serving the Lord, but I had the wrong approach for making the decisions for how and what to serve the Lord in. And at the core of my being I was actually trying to fill some other desperate needs other than a pure love for the God I serve. Oh so convoluted are the ways I operate as a human. Ah!

Yet God has been so kind and gentle in breaking these motives down and bringing truth to my wounded soul. He showed me that my constant need to be "needed" was false and not from Him and was being fed by other deeper hurts of rejection, abuse, abandonment. He reassured me that He would never do all of those things to me even if I never worked at the church or in ministry another day of my life. For what He had given me, I did not have to keep earning. He brought such freedom and peace. He began to teach me to make choices from a healthy knowledge of who He is and who I am in Him. Not driven from any un-health or FEAR.

As far as other people's fears that so effect our lives, well that we can only take to the Lord. But there are times when I am hurt or my children are hurt and it is completely the doing of someones fear and it SO frustrates me not for the person, they need healing, but for the weapon of our enemy that fear is.

Fear is the most subtlety destructive tool our enemy yields against us and is one of the most difficult to detect. FEAR is personified - fear is our enemy! And he wants you to believe that your fears are justified, but please let me tell you unless you are talking about the reverent respect of our Lord, fear is not righteous or just.

The bible tells 365 times NOT to fear. I have heard it said that is one for each day of the year. That's a lot of commanding us not to fear. Do you think God knew it would be such a struggle?

When we radically pursuit intimacy with God, He alone dispels fear. His word and truth are like beautiful fear erasers in the ARTIST hands of God, and He wants to paint in our lives vivid healthy colorful patterns that come from His love and from true and right thinking about Him.

Lionel has always asked the question "what would you do if you were not afraid." God gave me a new question, "what things are you doing right now because you are afraid?" It's something to ponder.

Lord, help me not to be motivated by fear and to quickly see through fear and not be ruled by it or act on it. Amen.

Mirror Vulnerability

Vulnerability.

I feel the Lord moving in this area of my life. But more than that stirring in my heart the full weight of mirroring this in our Christian lives to young people, to those that are not saved, to this culture, in which has been said there is zero tolerance for being vulnerable.

This intolerance comes from the breeding of over confidence in the generation of self-help and personal empowerment. It has moved to a survival of the fittest mentality and not learning that failure is natural, but rather that nothing or no one is a failure and that life should be fair and that everyone deserves everything they want. This message has left our young people confused. Feeling internal conflict over what they know is true; that we fail, we are not enough, there must be more, nothing this world has to offer is filling my soul. So instead we have created a society and entire culture built on lies and people dying or dead inside. No wonder so many are on substances to balance out their emotions and mask their feelings.

The brave speak the truth and dare to be vulnerable. Even in the church, vulnerability has been hushed or silenced. Churches that fear not “looking the part” more than bringing healing to hurting lives are stumbling are young people. Are we preaching a relational gospel yet teaching performance based religion?

Religion is hindering this younger generation. And the enemy has come alongside it to offer the best substitute of all, an almost true faith in God. Slightly skewing our children’s perspective of God and how He see’s them is far more damaging than any of Satan’s other tactics. Because as he stumbles them with false religious teachings, he is keeping away 100’s of others from truly knowing God because of seeing the pain and destruction “religion” has left in it’s wake with God’s name attached to it.

We have the assignment of reaching and ministering to a desperate and confused generation that have really lost Hope in everything. But are fearful of speaking the truth. We live in a culture of drugs and antidepressants that have been the numbing of pain and confusion for so many. And how can we blame them, they do not know where to turn to.

Vulnerable. Genuine. Authentic. Real. Our children are desperate to be able to be themselves and yet struggle to know and accept themselves. Is God our condemner? Is he our accuser? No, the word of God is clear, He has not come to condemn but save, it is the goodness of God that draws man, His kindness that leads to repentance.

Are we ashamed to admit we have sinned? Sin is as much a part of our Christian life as forgiveness is. How can we facilitate healing and restoration to sin that has been covered up and hidden. And how will our young people boldly share and confess their struggles unto freedom when they are being chastised for having struggles. And who will speak out that struggle is actually essential to growing and being established in God.

Do we reinforce the worldly philosophies of numbing out rather than honestly working through hard things out in the open. Do we look and act just like the world turning to worldly advice, wisdom, and laws? What makes us different?

Our boys are afraid to be honest about their thought lives. Our girls are scared to share they are starving themselves. Our young adult Christians are scared to say they have had sex. If we cannot talk openly about real heart and hurt issues, then we can never open up to reach a hurting and needy world. And if we are not different then them, masking our pain and hiding sin, then what really are we offering?

Is our God able to bare our sins, the sins of our children? Yes we cannot bare it, but He can. Does He have arms big enough to hold us when we cry, to take the pain away, to heal the wounded-ness, to break through the addictions, to poor in love? Does He? Let’s live it, let us walk in it, let us share it.

I love that Job offered up sin offerings for his children in case during their shared meals and parties together, they had sinned. Job the most righteous father/man in the bible set a good example. He knew that sin was a likely part of life, and yet the most important thing about that was bringing it before the Lord. As I see my own children struggle this comforts me and I pray and ask Jesus for their forgiveness every day. He is the sin offering and covering for them. But like Job, I know they sin before God even when they do not know it.

God has been so faithful to me, to my kids. When things were desperate and hard He said to my mother’s heart, “Kristen, you can not bare it, but I can.” Today someone shared that even without blessings God is faithful. I was struck by that as in times when I could not SEE His hand of favor on us, yet He would say I am still here, I am still God, I still love you all as much as I have ever loved you.

Let us be REAL, for real.

I urge you, ask the Lord to stir your heart and lead you to mirror vulnerability.

Doves Eyes.

You may know the ever popular worshiper Misty Edwards, and if you don't...go right out and get her CD's. One of her songs "Dove's Eyes" has been a particular favorite of mine. Inspired by the passage in Song of Songs 1:15. The depth of this song has long since encouraged my un-distracted devotion to my loving Savior.

But today as I was journal-ing(shouldn't that be a word?) the verse, the Lord prompted me to search for more here. So I grabbed the laptop and fired away on blueletterbible.org.

With much clarity brings new revelation! I was so blessed to find such depth in the reference. Dove's eyes were clarified in several ways to which I have to say, I think it is all of them.

Soft eyes, this one I particularly love, not harsh or mean eyes, soft.
Clear eyes, not dull or clouded but clear, transparent and genuine.
Perfect eyes, eyes marked by the righteousness of Christ.
Healthy eyes, eyes that have been set free, healed, not blurred by pain.
Pure eyes, doves represent purity, guarded eyes kept pure.Loyal eyes, for our Lord first.
And yes un-distracted eyes, eyes that will stay on assignment. I think of the dove sent out by Noah, returning with the olive branch.I do believe as the Beloved spoke of doves eyes, it was a heartfelt appreciation for the beauty within and behind the eyes. A good friend of mine Jane Johnson shares a verse in her life work, Matt, 6:22 the lamp of the body is the eye, therefore if the eye is good the whole body will be full of light. Lovely.

Good eyes, eyes that bring light to our soul. So rich. The new living translation speaks of a pure eye that brings sunshine to the soul. Oh how many days I long for the SON to shine on my soul. Feeling dark, or sinful, guilty, or shamed? Feeling numb, or indifferent, or even bitter or pained? Let you heart sit before the Light of this world, set your heart right before Him and He will speak to you...

My beloved, you are beautiful(handsome)! You have doves eyes.

Let Him shine this light in you. This is His whole heart towards you. He loves you and you are most beautiful to Him.

Raising Men.

Three sons, 20, 19, and 18.

As a mother I have loved every minute of having boys. I have always called them my little men, but it wasn't until the last few years that I really had a clear perspective of that.

A few years back my eldest was becoming a Pastor at the same time suffering heartache, my second son had been in two very expensive accidents costing his hard working self dearly, and my third son had almost died in an extremely harrowing car accident. Literally should have died, God spared him. As I struggled through the intensity of the seasons they were all in, the onset of waves of discouragement and fear that I was suffering at the time felt something a kin to an elephant sitting on my chest. I would ride to work with Lionel and say, it just aches in my chest. And he would remind me to breathe. It was often hard to find air.

A wise and godly friend was listening one particular day at work and she looked straight into my teary eyes and said, "Kristen you are not raising boys, you are raising men." It stopped my thoughts, yes screaming halt.

I was intent on her every word as she continued, "you have no idea what things God will use to bring them to manhood, but you mom do not want to hinder that." Hmm, no I don't.

I began asking the Lord about that, what I already believed to be true. He said to me...

Yes Kristen, let them go.

Now mind you Caleb was barely yet 16. I wasn't cutting him loose from parenting then, but I understood what God was saying, because in my heart I already saw the process unfolding. They were breaking away from us, from their mom, little by little. Only it had begun years ago. When they stopped jumping into my lap, or giving me kisses in front of their friends, or asking for a million stories at bed time, or wanting to be home just to play with their dad and me.

So my prayers changed dramatically. As they continued to rapidly catapult into adulthood several things were happening simultaneously.

I began to count down the days we likely had left for them in our home and thus frequent influence.
They began to question things more and more.
Spiritual attack reared it's ugly head over and over.
I felt less like a parent and more like a warden.
The truth hurt, we spoke the truth to them and their words back to us, though true stung too.
I realized they thought they needed me less and less.
They needed to make mistakes, hey when you think you know everything a few grand mistakes is enough to remind you that maybe you don't.
They increased in their desire for the extreme.
Life experiences became the utmost priority.
Wrestling through ideas and thoughts with anyone and everyone God included, now eminent.
They valued anyone who took them seriously, ignored everyone who did not.
Started referring to particular adults more like peers.
Trust and respect was not given as easily nor taken for granted.
No longer talked in we, us, and family, more I, me, and individualized statements.
No loner took my word for things.
Disagreed with our parenting per their years of experience being parented.

I am sure there are many more that I have not discovered. But while I ponder and still witness the transformations, I also am in complete awe of God.

He knows what He is doing, and He has instilled in our men a natural process from childhood to manhood, a passage of struggle if you will that to many appears more like crisis than development. But to which God has assured me is all in His care and part of His plan for them.

My perspective of God has changed through this process as He has given me such reassurances over my own son's hard times and conflicting ideals.

God is trust worthy. As I know that He is in them and there has been plenty fruit to that confirmation, He has the ability to parent them from the inside out.

He is able to bare all of their struggles and even their sin, this one is huge for me, as I of course am so unable to bare it. My heart ache alone for them is proof enough for me.

He reminds me daily that this, this season, this struggle, this growing, this breaking away, this confusion at times, even this pain, this is what He came for.

And this truth...one day standing in worship, front row, second seat in, knees shaking, heart pounding, hands trembling with grief over the latest blow, the song was playing ..."I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross..." God spoke to me.

Kristen, you'll never know how much it cost to see my SON upon that cross.

Oh Lord. No. No I would never have to suffer that pain. He did, so I would not. He understood more than I knew the heart ache of a parent. But He also understood more than I knew, every single thing He would allow across my amazing young Men's lives and He was worthy to trust with all of it.

So I am learning as I go here. Making so many mistakes along the way and God has told me He calculated those too. (He's so got my back!) And I am parenting in Faith and discovering what it means to parent adult children. It is likely the hardest season of parenting we have faced to date.

It is also the most exciting, most rewarding, most engaging and thought provoking time of our parental lives. We have been blessed with young Men that know, fully believe in, and trust God. How they walk with Him, what they believe about Him, where they find the strength to stand alone with Him without their parents, well this is between them and God.

We are still a part of this picture, our role has just transitioned to more fervent prayer warriors, counsel and advisers, teachers when asked, exhortation when welcomed, helpers when needed, only we are not the ones who get to initiate any of this, except for the prayer.

I am so proud of my boys, excuse me Men. I can not help it, they are so gifted, smart, strong, compassionate, loving, responsible, and loyal. It does not surprise me as these qualities are why I love their father so much.

And we have been blessed, to have God along side us as parents, He allowed us to fill up their cups overflowing with love, and show them that He was the one who filled ours. Now we get to see them let God fill them on their own.

There can be no greater joy.

Vulnerable.

Most of the time I am an open book.

I tell on myself. It is why I love to write and blog. But I have had a hard time sharing recently. As I have started several posts the past week or so and not completed and published any of them I stopped today to ask myself the question, why?

And I had an answer, I just don't have the energy to be that vulnerable right now. Hmm.

See I am walking with the Lord through some very personal things, working had, crazy busy with my teenagers, working hard on my home, finances, taxes, health, disciplines, ministry, SO MUCH! Too much?

Maybe.

Yesterday God told me that I didn't know I would face...fill in the blank; He played a tape in my head of some hard things that I have walked through this past year. And He sweetly said to me, but I did, Kristen. And I have seen you through it.

And today, it is so much, as I journaled again His never ending love for me, His constant care and Heart for me, His attention to detail, His hand of healing, His leading in wisdom, His goodness in my friendships, I am just so UNDONE by Him.

"the King has brought me into His chambers" Song of Songs 1:4

He has invited me in, where it is sacred and intimate, safe and beautiful; in the Lord's inner chambers I feel seen, known, understood, free.

Thank you, Father...just...(whisper) thank you.

Featured Artisan: the Real Estate Pastor?!

Do you know Lionel Wilson? Some of you do. He is my very favorite Realtor, Minister, father, husband, and friend.
Today Pastor Rob was teaching from Proverbs chapter 11. A passage which is near and dear to my Realtor husbands heart. So much so in fact that for the past several years it has been his business message and mission. Be a giver, have integrity, encourage others, speak kindly and without hypocrisy, build relationships, win souls and walk wisely.

Around 2005 God had been teaching Lionel many good but hard life lessons. One thing that spilled over to every area of his life is valuing people above everything. "Lionel I have called you to ask those I put in your path, what can I do for you," spoke the Lord. In business that equates to people before paycheck. The Lord told Lionel that work would be his ministry and God would be his provision.

Since that time Lionel has set out to be a servant in Real Estate. His passion for people has made such a striking impact, in what can sometimes be an unpleasant industry, that many people have lovingly called him the Real Estate Pastor. We chuckle when we hear this, but really it is true. Lionel prays with and for those that he works with. He gives wisdom that he believes is from God and not just regulated by market trends. As a hard working man he of course is diligent in knowing the business of real estate because he believes God would not want him to be negligent in any area and he sets out to do his best for the Lord in every scenario.

I can not say enough how much I have learned from Lionel in business. Over twenty years he has worked in some areas of sales and marketing. Several years he was a pastor as well, the truth is, he gets people, and people have always been his business.

He that waters is watered himself. Proverbs 11:25


This is the quintessential verse in chapter 11. Give to others and yes you will be yourself so filled and completely satisfied in life. God has blessed Lionel in so many areas of his life and especially in business. He is grateful and amazed. When many people were complaining of the real estate market and the "shift" that has occurred the past three years, Lionel set out to have his best year ever. God had put it on his heart to do so. And closing out 2009, he did have his best year in real estate ever, more than doubling sales the previous year. God is, faithful and He did provide.

So Lionel faithfully presses on to continue to follow hard after God, shepherding the flock along the way, for now that flock comes in the means of Real Estate.

I am so proud to work for such an honest and passionate man, and blessed to be married to him!

Better than wine...

Sometimes I do not know how to tell my story because it is still unfolding.

I think of my life as not having a beginning or an end but as a constant and ever changing circle. Like the earth spinning round and round, some times in the brightness of the sun, other times in the darkness of night, that is me and that is what healing is like.

So much has happened in my heart, to tell it all would mean that I understood it all, and I don’t and there is still so much to be discovered. But as I move through each day there are these glimpses, you know these tiny moments when I am on the outside looking in getting a God size perspective of what He is doing in me and I am so undone. Because He loves me, oh how he loves me, can you hear that song playing in your head...I can.

I am journal-ing Song of Solomon, as a prayer to God. A friend recommended it to me. As I am His beloved and He is mine. I am on verse two and this is my response back to my Lord, my Love today:

Nothing is more valuable than Your love. Nothing is more precious, more costly, more fragrant and more tasty. You grow this love in me that is You. You planted Your love in my heart like a seed that is planted and grows to a vine. Your love blossoms in my heart and bears fruit like luscious grapes in the vineyard full of juice and ripe from the sun. Your love brings the fullness of satisfaction to my soul like the fullness of flavor in a timely opened luxurious wine, pleasant, earthy, warm, delicate, and fragrant.

Your love is better than wine.

He loves you too, tell Him today, that you love Him back,