A Real Marriage.

A few weeks ago I ran across a video series by a pastor in Seattle titled Real Marriage.

I had time and thought why not listen. The title of the first message was "New Marriage, Same Spouse," which really caught my attention. As I listened I was pleasantly surprised by the straight forward talk, honesty, confession, and practical help. Not to mention the biblical based priciples.

The Pastor and his wife take time to share their own mistakes what they have learned and discovered the hard way. I was so encouraged I thought well I can not wait to listen to the next week. My husband and I made a date of it. We cuddled on the couch to hear the second message titled "Friend With Benefits." Again, pleasantly surprised. It was like this message was speaking our language.

Lionel and I married so young, VERY young. One thing we have said all these 23 years is that we are best friends and truly we are. And I have told my friends and kids over and over, many days I do not feel like being a wife, but I ALWAYS feel like being with my best friend. And as we watched the video I found such encouragement by the same message in their marriage. They had struggled to be friends but found their way to friendship thus strengthening their marriage.

Marriage IS friendship! I will share further on that but for now...watch the series.

I am reading the book too! Wonderful insight. More on that to come as well.I am so grateful for sermons and helps with the most basics of necessities in our life that inspire us to victory and that are so contrary to our culture.

God's first words concerning marriage..."It is not good for man to be alone."

I will leave you with this thought.

Blessings!

Tell the story.

Recently my church went through a week of fasting and prayer.

We met morning, noon, and night to seek the heart of God, hear from Him, and make intercession for people. It was an amazing week.

By the end of the week I was so stirred by the stories of God and really excited that our Pastor wanted to capture testimonies on video to be shared through out the year, for next year and to bless other churches. I had been praying all week that the work of the Spirit this week would go forward. That it would not end or be contained with in us.

Previously I had read Donald Miller's book "A Million Miles In A Thousand Years." This book really impacted me, it is a book about STORY. And I asked the Lord why is it this one Author comes in contact with SO many dynamic works of God? The Lord answered this, "because he(Donald) would tell the story." That struck me with such revelation and stirred my heart to be accountable to tell the stories of God!

As I was assisting with the video, I was blessed to hear the few testimonies in our church of God's dynamic works. But I have to be honest, I was disappointed too. See I had to go and find people to share and track people down and basically beg some, even leaders. Many said no. Now maybe it is the fear of being video taped, I am not sure. But my heart was grieved none the less.

I was reminded of the scripture in Revelation 12. "And they overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony and they did not love their lives unto death." The verse implies that we will share the wondrous works of God. Not only that, we will not love our life more than even being faced with death, surely video will not kill us. Now I know I am taking this a little extreme, however I really feel the message applies.

And I realize also that our adversary knows as well as we do the POWER in sharing the stories of God. We can not be silenced and we can not be fearful. It is not humility to shrink back from speaking out in a testimonial video, it is insecurity and pride. I believe it is our duty and privilege to speak. I believe however it is a tactic of the enemy to keep us silent.

Tell the story, tell your story, tell the wonderful things God has done in and through you. It is not because of us He is working though He is for us, it is His glory revealed through us!

Ah I am so stirred to hear what God is doing in you! Do tell.

Curse-ed FEAR!

Not too long ago I literally shouted these words out in tears fist raised to the sky! I had been tossed about in waves of circumstance facilitated by others choices that were absolutely driven from fear.

Its one thing to battle my own fear and I have done so and with great help from the Lord found much victory. But its a totally different animal being caught up in situations that completely and totally fall to another person and the crippling decisions they make handicapped by fear.

Fear is a loose canon and a fickle friend. It can come in many forms. It can appear to be safe preaching the word "caution," it can pretend to be wisdom with it's cohort "worldly advice" and it presumes justice with the falsehood of "community validation." But all of these misguided practices can be dispelled fairly easily when taken to the Word to match against truth.

Many preach that the opposite of fear is faith. But I have come to really believe the opposite of fear is wisdom. As we have studied through the Proverbs as a church this year and seeing wisdom personified my eyes were opened differently to the alternative choices we make that are clearly not wise and surmised that a great deal of those choices are driven by fear. Ignorance at times sure, foolishness at times, a lack of love possibly. But not necessarily a lack of faith. Because we can be fooled to have complete faith in something that is not wisdom at all driven completely out of our own fears and be ruled by it unknowingly.

The question is, what is the source of our wisdom, what is compelling our actions?

As a young believer I had the best intentions serving the Lord. We were young and zealous and evangelizing the world. I was however a very wounded young adult, though I really did not know it and I was driven, absolutely driven to performance based serving. Though I could not have recognized it I was actually driven by fear. I had a heart to serve the Lord sure, but I also had a deep underlying fear that if I did not show up, I may be forgotten, I may not look the part, people may see right through me. My actions were not based in truth though they were even righteous actions.

I had right thinking in serving the Lord, but I had the wrong approach for making the decisions for how and what to serve the Lord in. And at the core of my being I was actually trying to fill some other desperate needs other than a pure love for the God I serve. Oh so convoluted are the ways I operate as a human. Ah!

Yet God has been so kind and gentle in breaking these motives down and bringing truth to my wounded soul. He showed me that my constant need to be "needed" was false and not from Him and was being fed by other deeper hurts of rejection, abuse, abandonment. He reassured me that He would never do all of those things to me even if I never worked at the church or in ministry another day of my life. For what He had given me, I did not have to keep earning. He brought such freedom and peace. He began to teach me to make choices from a healthy knowledge of who He is and who I am in Him. Not driven from any un-health or FEAR.

As far as other people's fears that so effect our lives, well that we can only take to the Lord. But there are times when I am hurt or my children are hurt and it is completely the doing of someones fear and it SO frustrates me not for the person, they need healing, but for the weapon of our enemy that fear is.

Fear is the most subtlety destructive tool our enemy yields against us and is one of the most difficult to detect. FEAR is personified - fear is our enemy! And he wants you to believe that your fears are justified, but please let me tell you unless you are talking about the reverent respect of our Lord, fear is not righteous or just.

The bible tells 365 times NOT to fear. I have heard it said that is one for each day of the year. That's a lot of commanding us not to fear. Do you think God knew it would be such a struggle?

When we radically pursuit intimacy with God, He alone dispels fear. His word and truth are like beautiful fear erasers in the ARTIST hands of God, and He wants to paint in our lives vivid healthy colorful patterns that come from His love and from true and right thinking about Him.

Lionel has always asked the question "what would you do if you were not afraid." God gave me a new question, "what things are you doing right now because you are afraid?" It's something to ponder.

Lord, help me not to be motivated by fear and to quickly see through fear and not be ruled by it or act on it. Amen.

COURAGE.

I am not writing about resolutions this 1^st day of the year, but rather courage!

We can always resolve to do the needful, beautiful, fulfilling, life changing things in our lives. We can and should resolve to do them. But we must have courage to take the necessary and often times bold steps to move forward and actually do them!

I say be courageous this year. Move forward. Boldly go where you have not previously gone before.

Make those difficult choices for getting out of debt!

Join that gym or put that exercise DVD in the shopping cart, go home and start using it.

Shop for your food differently.

Time block.

Get up 30 minutes earlier.

Write something everyday.

Pick up that instrument and just play.

Schedule dates with your family.

Download that read your bible in a year plan.

Make a coffee date with that one person you need to apologize to.

Send out those thank you notes/notes of encouragement.

You know it, just start doing it. You are not stuck.

Have the COURAGE to live. LIVE. Starting today, not the way you always have, but rather the way you have always dreamed of living.

Happy 2011! It’s gonna be a good one!

Doves Eyes.

You may know the ever popular worshiper Misty Edwards, and if you don't...go right out and get her CD's. One of her songs "Dove's Eyes" has been a particular favorite of mine. Inspired by the passage in Song of Songs 1:15. The depth of this song has long since encouraged my un-distracted devotion to my loving Savior.

But today as I was journal-ing(shouldn't that be a word?) the verse, the Lord prompted me to search for more here. So I grabbed the laptop and fired away on blueletterbible.org.

With much clarity brings new revelation! I was so blessed to find such depth in the reference. Dove's eyes were clarified in several ways to which I have to say, I think it is all of them.

Soft eyes, this one I particularly love, not harsh or mean eyes, soft.
Clear eyes, not dull or clouded but clear, transparent and genuine.
Perfect eyes, eyes marked by the righteousness of Christ.
Healthy eyes, eyes that have been set free, healed, not blurred by pain.
Pure eyes, doves represent purity, guarded eyes kept pure.Loyal eyes, for our Lord first.
And yes un-distracted eyes, eyes that will stay on assignment. I think of the dove sent out by Noah, returning with the olive branch.I do believe as the Beloved spoke of doves eyes, it was a heartfelt appreciation for the beauty within and behind the eyes. A good friend of mine Jane Johnson shares a verse in her life work, Matt, 6:22 the lamp of the body is the eye, therefore if the eye is good the whole body will be full of light. Lovely.

Good eyes, eyes that bring light to our soul. So rich. The new living translation speaks of a pure eye that brings sunshine to the soul. Oh how many days I long for the SON to shine on my soul. Feeling dark, or sinful, guilty, or shamed? Feeling numb, or indifferent, or even bitter or pained? Let you heart sit before the Light of this world, set your heart right before Him and He will speak to you...

My beloved, you are beautiful(handsome)! You have doves eyes.

Let Him shine this light in you. This is His whole heart towards you. He loves you and you are most beautiful to Him.

Raising Men.

Three sons, 20, 19, and 18.

As a mother I have loved every minute of having boys. I have always called them my little men, but it wasn't until the last few years that I really had a clear perspective of that.

A few years back my eldest was becoming a Pastor at the same time suffering heartache, my second son had been in two very expensive accidents costing his hard working self dearly, and my third son had almost died in an extremely harrowing car accident. Literally should have died, God spared him. As I struggled through the intensity of the seasons they were all in, the onset of waves of discouragement and fear that I was suffering at the time felt something a kin to an elephant sitting on my chest. I would ride to work with Lionel and say, it just aches in my chest. And he would remind me to breathe. It was often hard to find air.

A wise and godly friend was listening one particular day at work and she looked straight into my teary eyes and said, "Kristen you are not raising boys, you are raising men." It stopped my thoughts, yes screaming halt.

I was intent on her every word as she continued, "you have no idea what things God will use to bring them to manhood, but you mom do not want to hinder that." Hmm, no I don't.

I began asking the Lord about that, what I already believed to be true. He said to me...

Yes Kristen, let them go.

Now mind you Caleb was barely yet 16. I wasn't cutting him loose from parenting then, but I understood what God was saying, because in my heart I already saw the process unfolding. They were breaking away from us, from their mom, little by little. Only it had begun years ago. When they stopped jumping into my lap, or giving me kisses in front of their friends, or asking for a million stories at bed time, or wanting to be home just to play with their dad and me.

So my prayers changed dramatically. As they continued to rapidly catapult into adulthood several things were happening simultaneously.

I began to count down the days we likely had left for them in our home and thus frequent influence.
They began to question things more and more.
Spiritual attack reared it's ugly head over and over.
I felt less like a parent and more like a warden.
The truth hurt, we spoke the truth to them and their words back to us, though true stung too.
I realized they thought they needed me less and less.
They needed to make mistakes, hey when you think you know everything a few grand mistakes is enough to remind you that maybe you don't.
They increased in their desire for the extreme.
Life experiences became the utmost priority.
Wrestling through ideas and thoughts with anyone and everyone God included, now eminent.
They valued anyone who took them seriously, ignored everyone who did not.
Started referring to particular adults more like peers.
Trust and respect was not given as easily nor taken for granted.
No longer talked in we, us, and family, more I, me, and individualized statements.
No loner took my word for things.
Disagreed with our parenting per their years of experience being parented.

I am sure there are many more that I have not discovered. But while I ponder and still witness the transformations, I also am in complete awe of God.

He knows what He is doing, and He has instilled in our men a natural process from childhood to manhood, a passage of struggle if you will that to many appears more like crisis than development. But to which God has assured me is all in His care and part of His plan for them.

My perspective of God has changed through this process as He has given me such reassurances over my own son's hard times and conflicting ideals.

God is trust worthy. As I know that He is in them and there has been plenty fruit to that confirmation, He has the ability to parent them from the inside out.

He is able to bare all of their struggles and even their sin, this one is huge for me, as I of course am so unable to bare it. My heart ache alone for them is proof enough for me.

He reminds me daily that this, this season, this struggle, this growing, this breaking away, this confusion at times, even this pain, this is what He came for.

And this truth...one day standing in worship, front row, second seat in, knees shaking, heart pounding, hands trembling with grief over the latest blow, the song was playing ..."I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross..." God spoke to me.

Kristen, you'll never know how much it cost to see my SON upon that cross.

Oh Lord. No. No I would never have to suffer that pain. He did, so I would not. He understood more than I knew the heart ache of a parent. But He also understood more than I knew, every single thing He would allow across my amazing young Men's lives and He was worthy to trust with all of it.

So I am learning as I go here. Making so many mistakes along the way and God has told me He calculated those too. (He's so got my back!) And I am parenting in Faith and discovering what it means to parent adult children. It is likely the hardest season of parenting we have faced to date.

It is also the most exciting, most rewarding, most engaging and thought provoking time of our parental lives. We have been blessed with young Men that know, fully believe in, and trust God. How they walk with Him, what they believe about Him, where they find the strength to stand alone with Him without their parents, well this is between them and God.

We are still a part of this picture, our role has just transitioned to more fervent prayer warriors, counsel and advisers, teachers when asked, exhortation when welcomed, helpers when needed, only we are not the ones who get to initiate any of this, except for the prayer.

I am so proud of my boys, excuse me Men. I can not help it, they are so gifted, smart, strong, compassionate, loving, responsible, and loyal. It does not surprise me as these qualities are why I love their father so much.

And we have been blessed, to have God along side us as parents, He allowed us to fill up their cups overflowing with love, and show them that He was the one who filled ours. Now we get to see them let God fill them on their own.

There can be no greater joy.

Vulnerable.

Most of the time I am an open book.

I tell on myself. It is why I love to write and blog. But I have had a hard time sharing recently. As I have started several posts the past week or so and not completed and published any of them I stopped today to ask myself the question, why?

And I had an answer, I just don't have the energy to be that vulnerable right now. Hmm.

See I am walking with the Lord through some very personal things, working had, crazy busy with my teenagers, working hard on my home, finances, taxes, health, disciplines, ministry, SO MUCH! Too much?

Maybe.

Yesterday God told me that I didn't know I would face...fill in the blank; He played a tape in my head of some hard things that I have walked through this past year. And He sweetly said to me, but I did, Kristen. And I have seen you through it.

And today, it is so much, as I journaled again His never ending love for me, His constant care and Heart for me, His attention to detail, His hand of healing, His leading in wisdom, His goodness in my friendships, I am just so UNDONE by Him.

"the King has brought me into His chambers" Song of Songs 1:4

He has invited me in, where it is sacred and intimate, safe and beautiful; in the Lord's inner chambers I feel seen, known, understood, free.

Thank you, Father...just...(whisper) thank you.

the Art of healing...

Hi.

There is so much I could say about this, I will have to do this in segments. As I am sharing about art in life I have pondered the areas, aside from the performing arts that have had profound effect on me.

Healing is definitely art in life.

Just the word itself rings through my heart and soul with perfect harmonious sound. I have read about, prayed about, talked about, asked for, sought after, cried, prayed over, and received healing so much over the past several years that the very word warms my entire being, it is a part of me.

Most importantly because to me healing is personified in the person of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. His word says, He is Healer and His work has proven that to me time and again.

To get to know Him, to draw close to Jesus, to wrap ones self and life around Him is to most undoubtedly surrender life and soul to the fine work of healing that is part of His very existence and presence in our life. From the moment we receive Him the work has begun in the most eternal sense of transcending from death to life. And for much of my Christian life that is all the healing I could really engage in, as I had no real understanding there was so much more.

At four years of age, for whatever reason I was made very aware of my need for Jesus. But it was not until about the age of 24 that I would begin to realize my even greater need for Him to save me from myself.

Lionel was recently asked "why is it that Kristen continued to pursue healing in her life, as most people run from it?" This man was very serious. Lionel answered what I believe to one of the most insightful things he has ever said about me, he said "I believe because each time God would reveal something to her about herself, He would also give her the slightest greater glimpse of Him, that is what kept her pressing for more."

Incredible. I don't even know if I could have said that myself until Lionel spoke the words, I had not even thought it, but it is exactly true, each time God would uncover a layer in me that he was doing a work in, He showed me more and more about Himself, and it was the actual pursuit of more of Him, not the pursuit of self, that led me to be healed in such powerful ways.

The beauty in all of this is that He is the artist that takes the black, dark, ugly brush strokes of our soul and brings new life, color, texture, and shape to make us whole.

I am so excited to share with you the journey this has been, of course that will possibly take several blogs, even a lifetime, all of which I am happy to share in hopes that the healing He has done in me will perpetuate healing in others.

"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound" Isaiah 61:1

I was captive, and brokenhearted, I have been liberated and made whole.

Thank you Jesus!