Kiss Dating Goodbye? Why?

I am a mother of four young adults pondering the question of the very misunderstood and quite controversial subject of young Christians dating.

Of course in a perfect world our children would meet the love of their life at a young age, in which both families would be so happy to see them grow as friends and mature into a loving and godly relationship nurtured under the covering of two healthy and spiritual families and then be married by their childhood Pastor.However this is more than likely NOT to happen for many of our children, most due in part to the fact that many of us are from broken families. Also this incredibly destructive society we live in has been vying for our children's heart, desires and attentions long before they even are old enough to reach mature dating age. Not to mention the fact that relationships among young adults and dare I say the word DATING has become a taboo among the Christian culture.

I have encouraged my four not to have a serious relationship with the opposite sex until they were out of high school or at least mature enough to make good choices with that decision. I explained how the drama alone of emotional break ups and expectations would be draining on them. I told them it would be more beneficial that they focus on building good friendships, that being a good friend is the first step in being in a committed relationship and also that at their young age they shouldn't be doing anything with a girl or in Bethany's case a boy that they would not do with a friend anyways. For the most part they have respected this. Only now older than eighteen have my boys really started to date and approach relationships. This has thrown us into many conversations. And I have discovered some not so healthy messages.

1) Bachelor to the Rapture. Wrong. This message sends the worst kind of thoughts to young men and women. It may seem spiritual to some, but it is not. God did not want Adam to be alone. A great principle over looked in this statement is that a man or woman should leave their father and mother and cleave to their intended spouse. Also God encourages Christians to grow Christian families. These words may have been someone's personal conviction, but it is not biblical and should not be blanketed over our young men.

2) Kiss Dating Goodbye. This is in my opinion one of the most legalistic and misleading ideas. I think it might be appropriate if we were in a day and age where parents chose the partners for their children. I really do not believe that our culture would support that. This theory puts way too much pressure on young people. I believe it has set a wall up against forming relationships all together. Young Christians have in their minds that to even get close to someone of the opposite sex they have to KNOW that yes this would be the one that God wants them to marry. Hmm. But how could they possibly know that if they do not spend enough real time with the person to actually know the person. And how long does it take for us to hear from God, not because He is necessarily not speaking but because we do not allow Him to speak by putting up our notions or misconcieved ideals as barriers to His words or truths.

3) Then there is the matter of God's will. I am reminded of the story about a man that was caught in a flood and prayed for God to rescue him. Some people came by in a huge truck, he sent them away, then a boat, then a helicopter, then the waters rose and he drowned. In heaven God said I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter, what were you waiting for? We pray for something and often the answer is already right in front of us. I propose we make it too hard.

4) We are so fearful of our young adults engaging in sexual intimacy, we forget to teach them about the other aspects or relational intimacy. How to genuinely share ones heart and life with someone. How to stimulate great conversation, the art of being someones greatest confidant, the beauty of connecting with someone's soul. Handicapped relationships and the forfeit of community in our culture has now plagued our churches. We must live against this current.

5) The enemy. I believe his signature is all over the previous four. Because the enemy does not want to see healthy Christian families and marriages and new loving couples influencing our society. Our adversary has set a target and all out war on godly marriages correct? We can see the devastation in our churches. We are missing his other more subtle tactic; preventing these godly unions from happening in the first place and then wage war on our young men and women thoughts and purity. Confusion. The more our society gets in the toilet morally I propose our young adults also are attacked with this anti-dating, socially awkward, breading unhealthy views of what should be a natural and healthy institute in the first place.

Confession. I am telling my boys to get out there and date. Yes I did. Does that sound bold? It shouldn't. I want them to get to know young women. I want them to have the experiences and practices of healthy dating. I want them forming relationships that may grow into more and then pray through what that more will be. I want them to learn about themselves in the process. What there likes and dislikes are. How to be gentlemen and chivalrous. I want them to learn how to pursuit a young woman's heart, because after all women do want to be pursued.


I propose that young men not learning these lessons may not make very romantic husbands that will work hard to keep their wives affections. Wives want to continue to be pursued for the length of the relationship. I pray that my boys learn this key to keeping a relationship alive and healthy.

As for my girl. She made a very wise and startling assessment one day. She said if I want to get married, I will have find a culture of Christians that date. She looked around at her environment and surmised it is not happening enough here. It was true and sad.

What is the hindrance. We have a large, beautiful, spiritually cultivated body of young adult believers and yet their are very few marrying. Something needs to change. If it is wrong messages we need to dispel them, if it is fear we need to pray for a release from it, if it is education let us educate them.

More to come on this topic, teaching boys and girls what healthy dating should look like. Also the message of "What answer to prayer is already knocking at your door?" A word God gave me and Lionel from the book of Acts I believe to be a great eye opener in hearing the will of God.

Blessings!

Doves Eyes.

You may know the ever popular worshiper Misty Edwards, and if you don't...go right out and get her CD's. One of her songs "Dove's Eyes" has been a particular favorite of mine. Inspired by the passage in Song of Songs 1:15. The depth of this song has long since encouraged my un-distracted devotion to my loving Savior.

But today as I was journal-ing(shouldn't that be a word?) the verse, the Lord prompted me to search for more here. So I grabbed the laptop and fired away on blueletterbible.org.

With much clarity brings new revelation! I was so blessed to find such depth in the reference. Dove's eyes were clarified in several ways to which I have to say, I think it is all of them.

Soft eyes, this one I particularly love, not harsh or mean eyes, soft.
Clear eyes, not dull or clouded but clear, transparent and genuine.
Perfect eyes, eyes marked by the righteousness of Christ.
Healthy eyes, eyes that have been set free, healed, not blurred by pain.
Pure eyes, doves represent purity, guarded eyes kept pure.Loyal eyes, for our Lord first.
And yes un-distracted eyes, eyes that will stay on assignment. I think of the dove sent out by Noah, returning with the olive branch.I do believe as the Beloved spoke of doves eyes, it was a heartfelt appreciation for the beauty within and behind the eyes. A good friend of mine Jane Johnson shares a verse in her life work, Matt, 6:22 the lamp of the body is the eye, therefore if the eye is good the whole body will be full of light. Lovely.

Good eyes, eyes that bring light to our soul. So rich. The new living translation speaks of a pure eye that brings sunshine to the soul. Oh how many days I long for the SON to shine on my soul. Feeling dark, or sinful, guilty, or shamed? Feeling numb, or indifferent, or even bitter or pained? Let you heart sit before the Light of this world, set your heart right before Him and He will speak to you...

My beloved, you are beautiful(handsome)! You have doves eyes.

Let Him shine this light in you. This is His whole heart towards you. He loves you and you are most beautiful to Him.

Raising Men.

Three sons, 20, 19, and 18.

As a mother I have loved every minute of having boys. I have always called them my little men, but it wasn't until the last few years that I really had a clear perspective of that.

A few years back my eldest was becoming a Pastor at the same time suffering heartache, my second son had been in two very expensive accidents costing his hard working self dearly, and my third son had almost died in an extremely harrowing car accident. Literally should have died, God spared him. As I struggled through the intensity of the seasons they were all in, the onset of waves of discouragement and fear that I was suffering at the time felt something a kin to an elephant sitting on my chest. I would ride to work with Lionel and say, it just aches in my chest. And he would remind me to breathe. It was often hard to find air.

A wise and godly friend was listening one particular day at work and she looked straight into my teary eyes and said, "Kristen you are not raising boys, you are raising men." It stopped my thoughts, yes screaming halt.

I was intent on her every word as she continued, "you have no idea what things God will use to bring them to manhood, but you mom do not want to hinder that." Hmm, no I don't.

I began asking the Lord about that, what I already believed to be true. He said to me...

Yes Kristen, let them go.

Now mind you Caleb was barely yet 16. I wasn't cutting him loose from parenting then, but I understood what God was saying, because in my heart I already saw the process unfolding. They were breaking away from us, from their mom, little by little. Only it had begun years ago. When they stopped jumping into my lap, or giving me kisses in front of their friends, or asking for a million stories at bed time, or wanting to be home just to play with their dad and me.

So my prayers changed dramatically. As they continued to rapidly catapult into adulthood several things were happening simultaneously.

I began to count down the days we likely had left for them in our home and thus frequent influence.
They began to question things more and more.
Spiritual attack reared it's ugly head over and over.
I felt less like a parent and more like a warden.
The truth hurt, we spoke the truth to them and their words back to us, though true stung too.
I realized they thought they needed me less and less.
They needed to make mistakes, hey when you think you know everything a few grand mistakes is enough to remind you that maybe you don't.
They increased in their desire for the extreme.
Life experiences became the utmost priority.
Wrestling through ideas and thoughts with anyone and everyone God included, now eminent.
They valued anyone who took them seriously, ignored everyone who did not.
Started referring to particular adults more like peers.
Trust and respect was not given as easily nor taken for granted.
No longer talked in we, us, and family, more I, me, and individualized statements.
No loner took my word for things.
Disagreed with our parenting per their years of experience being parented.

I am sure there are many more that I have not discovered. But while I ponder and still witness the transformations, I also am in complete awe of God.

He knows what He is doing, and He has instilled in our men a natural process from childhood to manhood, a passage of struggle if you will that to many appears more like crisis than development. But to which God has assured me is all in His care and part of His plan for them.

My perspective of God has changed through this process as He has given me such reassurances over my own son's hard times and conflicting ideals.

God is trust worthy. As I know that He is in them and there has been plenty fruit to that confirmation, He has the ability to parent them from the inside out.

He is able to bare all of their struggles and even their sin, this one is huge for me, as I of course am so unable to bare it. My heart ache alone for them is proof enough for me.

He reminds me daily that this, this season, this struggle, this growing, this breaking away, this confusion at times, even this pain, this is what He came for.

And this truth...one day standing in worship, front row, second seat in, knees shaking, heart pounding, hands trembling with grief over the latest blow, the song was playing ..."I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross..." God spoke to me.

Kristen, you'll never know how much it cost to see my SON upon that cross.

Oh Lord. No. No I would never have to suffer that pain. He did, so I would not. He understood more than I knew the heart ache of a parent. But He also understood more than I knew, every single thing He would allow across my amazing young Men's lives and He was worthy to trust with all of it.

So I am learning as I go here. Making so many mistakes along the way and God has told me He calculated those too. (He's so got my back!) And I am parenting in Faith and discovering what it means to parent adult children. It is likely the hardest season of parenting we have faced to date.

It is also the most exciting, most rewarding, most engaging and thought provoking time of our parental lives. We have been blessed with young Men that know, fully believe in, and trust God. How they walk with Him, what they believe about Him, where they find the strength to stand alone with Him without their parents, well this is between them and God.

We are still a part of this picture, our role has just transitioned to more fervent prayer warriors, counsel and advisers, teachers when asked, exhortation when welcomed, helpers when needed, only we are not the ones who get to initiate any of this, except for the prayer.

I am so proud of my boys, excuse me Men. I can not help it, they are so gifted, smart, strong, compassionate, loving, responsible, and loyal. It does not surprise me as these qualities are why I love their father so much.

And we have been blessed, to have God along side us as parents, He allowed us to fill up their cups overflowing with love, and show them that He was the one who filled ours. Now we get to see them let God fill them on their own.

There can be no greater joy.

In Relationship.

We are relational beings by nature. It is what drives us or causes us to crave relationship with our heavenly Father.

Recently God revealed to me some "not-so-healthy" relationships. Inappropriate bonds that He was asking me to cut away from my heart. I was somewhat surprised at first, considering the objects of my affection and what He pointed out to me, well, it was a huge revelation.


The bathroom scale. I do not have a relationship with my scale. It can not tell me if the day is good or bad, I can not live and die by it.

The treadmill. It is not mocking me or judging me. It does not know or think anything if I walk three or five times a week on it and it does not know that I do another workout on alternate days, nor does it care.

Food. Is not my friend, can not comfort, calm, bring clarity, reduce stress, satisfy my heart, or change my circumstances in any way and the same is true for the lack of it.

Starbucks. Is just a corporation. It does not feel badly when I pass one by. It is not betrayed if I enjoy coffee from another establishment. It does not love me back.
My computer, and this one is a big deal. I could really see and partly knew I had somewhat strange affections for the previous mentioned. I have often said "I really get stuck on things," or thought I am just incredibly loyal. But as the Lord revealed these things over the past week, He did not bring up my computer right away, but rather let me ponder my thoughts and actions and responses to the things He was pointing out.

SO funny thing, Lionel and I have been living some sort of bad "IT" sitcom scenarios the past few months. We recently made the huge conversion from PC to Mac. And while we have very good reasons and all in all love the way a Mac performs, we have had every single problem you can think of with software, printers not working, web based programs not operational for 0ur jobs, the internet refusing to stay in Lionel's laptop memory, we have no clue why. Email will just stop sending, no reason, just will not go. I have spent hours loading, uninstalling, re-installing programs. Setting up and re-setting up. Our IT guy at work has done so much for us, we just keep a running tab now.
When my lovely 7 month old hard drive decided to crash a few weeks ago, well I was devastated. I took it really hard, I lost so much stuff. I was not backing up. And I took that pretty hard too. Because I should know better and it was a discipline thing you know. I felt like God was saying hey, you need to be more consistent in the care of your data. I received that, though I lamented for several days, when I got the laptop back I had so much recovery to do and this was causing me so much extra time and money. Uhg. But in the end it was all coming together.

Wednesday April 7, 4:15pm, Keller Williams Corvallis, red plastic cup, 1/2 full with diet Dr.pepper, lightly brushed my hand across the top knocking it with my knuckles sending it's contents streaming over my beautiful white keys. The technician at the Apple store said, "have a funeral." She retrieved my hard drive and tested it, it had survived. Apparently that is all that would be surviving. I sat in my car and the words came.

Kristen, it is only a computer, let it go, it is not part of you, not an extension of you, plastic and metal and parts to be thrown away, Kristen you are fine, move on from this.

Ok.

It took me 24 hours after that to hear God say, you do not have a relationship with your computer. Oh.

It is not that my feelings would be wrong to be disappointed and well there is the matter of cost. But for me it is more of why I have these unhealthy bonds. And it is really about what things take a place in my heart crowding out my Lord. Or what things are sending me messages contrary to what He is telling me.

So I am letting these bonds go. Cutting the ties and listening to the Lord for His words and truth about my life and health. Purging my heart of unnecessary affections.

New found freedom, once again, in my heart and mind.

Praying for my Mac to revive after a few days, I feel the permission from God to do so and heard stories that it could happen, but I am not counting on it, and at the present I am completely at peace with God's will in the matter.

The value of this lesson far out weighs any cost it may incur.

Vulnerable.

Most of the time I am an open book.

I tell on myself. It is why I love to write and blog. But I have had a hard time sharing recently. As I have started several posts the past week or so and not completed and published any of them I stopped today to ask myself the question, why?

And I had an answer, I just don't have the energy to be that vulnerable right now. Hmm.

See I am walking with the Lord through some very personal things, working had, crazy busy with my teenagers, working hard on my home, finances, taxes, health, disciplines, ministry, SO MUCH! Too much?

Maybe.

Yesterday God told me that I didn't know I would face...fill in the blank; He played a tape in my head of some hard things that I have walked through this past year. And He sweetly said to me, but I did, Kristen. And I have seen you through it.

And today, it is so much, as I journaled again His never ending love for me, His constant care and Heart for me, His attention to detail, His hand of healing, His leading in wisdom, His goodness in my friendships, I am just so UNDONE by Him.

"the King has brought me into His chambers" Song of Songs 1:4

He has invited me in, where it is sacred and intimate, safe and beautiful; in the Lord's inner chambers I feel seen, known, understood, free.

Thank you, Father...just...(whisper) thank you.